Sad songs say so much
by GiraffeGirl
Summary: Rose has been left behind, and she misses the Doctor so much. It can only be a matter of time before he returns... AU Rose10th. Mild spoilers for up to The Impossible Planet.
1. A year ago today

**A/N: This is the story that has references to my other story "Come Together" which as yet is unfinished but I'm working on. Each chapter has a reference to a song. The chapters are probably a bit too long! Sorry! But I hope you enjoy it all the same!**

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"_And I just can't understand it. I don't think I ever will. You went away, a year ago today."_**

Rose woke up with a start. She sat straight up and cracked her head on a half open drawer. She yelped and rubbed the top of her head. She'd fallen out of bed in the night again, tangled up in her double duvet. She hadn't even noticed at the time. She really should fix that drawer; that was the third time this week that it had happened.

She scrambled off the floor and began putting her bedclothes back on the bed. It was only six-thirty. Her mum would still be fast asleep, no doubt dreaming of the glory days when George Michael liked women and shellsuits were haute couture. Rose briefly considered returning to bed, but she knew she wouldn't sleep. Her mind was racing with all the things she'd dreamed. And the noise that had woken her up. The noise that ended every dream, making her jerk herself awake with false hopes.

She pulled her dressing gown on; they'd turned the heating off last week to try and save some money. Unfortunately, they were experiencing one of the coldest Mays on record, or so the weatherman said. Not only that, but it was windy and wet too. Horrible weather for anyone but ducks. She looked out the window now. Yep, rain again.

She glanced in the mirror as she went past it. She'd forgotten to take her make-up off again last night. Her mascara had streaked down her face. She'd been crying in her sleep again. For the three-hundredth and fifty-sixth night in a row. A year of tears. The anniversary hit Rose between the eyes suddenly, as her brain cleared from the make-believe world of dreams it had been wallowing in for the duration of the night. This wasn't a dream. This was real life. It was a year to the day since she had been left behind.

Since that day, she'd managed to hide her upset at being betrayed by the one person she trusted more than any other in the world. The man who had risked his life and the lives of others for her, who had promised her the world and delivered it, for a time. Everyone had told her he was dangerous, that he wasn't the sort of man she should be involved with. But she hadn't cared; she'd ignored them all, her mum, Mickey… She couldn't let them all believe that he'd hurt her. So she'd pretended it was all fine, that she was perfectly fine with him leaving her here, with nothing but memories. And not even a goodbye.

But she'd grieved in private for him, for what he'd meant to her. If she closed her eyes she could see his face, both faces. The one who had taken her away from this, shown her the delights of the universe, and the one who had left her behind. Her heart ached and she missed everything about both of them. The first's stupid great smile and his huge ears. His accent and the smell of his leather coat. The second's ruffled hair and deep brown eyes. The mothballs in his jacket pockets. At first, her anger and betrayal and plain grief had all been wound so tightly that she couldn't pull them apart. From crying, she'd find herself throwing things and shouting. Then as time went on, and with the help of two special people, she'd found that she could separate them. She could now think of him without wanting to break things. She could remember the good times and almost forget the following heartache. Almost.

"It's a year today, you know."

Sarah-Jane put her cup of coffee down as Rose spoke. She regarded the young girl carefully for a moment. Rose was playing with sugar sachets, staring at the metal effect table. She'd looked a bit more down than usual when she arrived, with even more make-up on than normal, covering up what were decidedly puffy eyes. She hadn't responded to any of Sarah-Jane's attempts at conversation with more than a nod or a murmur of agreement. Now she'd spoken.

"How do you feel?"

Rose shrugged. The age old question evader. Sarah-Jane could see the girl's jaw clench, as she tried to find a voice that wouldn't let her emotions out. "I don't know."

Sarah-Jane nodded. "I know. Have you been… um… dreaming again?"

Rose met her eyes guiltily. "Every night. Every night for the past year." She hesitated before saying, the words spilling out almost without any thought: "And it's always the same thing, he always comes back like nothing's happened and he… he takes me away with him. Like a fool I just forgive him and forget what he's done. And then there's the noise…"

Sarah-Jane raised her eyebrows. "What noise is that?"

Rose sighed. "You know. The noise the…" she lowered her voice even further, "the TARDIS makes. It always wakes me up."

"Rose, sweetheart, you can't expect miracles. He was a huge part of your life for so long. A few dreams now and then… it's a small price to pay. Look at what you've achieved in the past year."

"Oh, I know." Rose shook herself out of her reverie. "I know all that. You didn't call me to hear all about this anyway. How are you? How's K-9?"

"We're both fine." Sarah-Jane smiled. "I'd have brought him today but you know how people stare at the mad old woman and her tin dog." She laughed. "Sad, isn't it really?"

"That tin dog saved our life," Rose reminded her. "Well, his previous model did." She stirred her tea thoughtfully. "He's lasted well this time, hasn't he?"

"Well, he hasn't had to fight off a bunch of Krillitanes this time around," Sarah-Jane pointed out. She sighed, smiling. "He's a good dog, really. Best gift I've ever been given."

"He does leave you with good presents at least," Rose said thoughtfully. Then she shook her head. "Sorry. Anyway, why did you call me?"

"I hadn't heard from you in a while. I wondered how you were," Sarah-Jane said awkwardly before adding, "And I remembered it was a year. I thought you might want to talk." When Rose didn't answer, she decided to press on with other business. "Well, never mind. I also called you to see if you wanted to come with me on a story I'm running."

Rose raised her eyebrows doubtfully. "Me? Be a journalist? I can barely write my own name right."

"Oh come on, Rose! You're more intelligent than that." Sarah-Jane shook her head. "Anyway, I wasn't thinking about it like that. I'll do the write up. If there is one. It's all a bit odd."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. There's this super-market up near Manchester. The staff have been behaving very oddly by all the accounts I've heard; especially the manager." She hesitated. "I thought maybe we could head over and check it out…"

Rose bit her lip. Investigating again. She hadn't done anything like that for a year. And never on her own. Sarah-Jane was always off looking into this and researching that. This was the first time she'd invited Rose along. It felt reckless to be even considering it; Rose had worked so hard to get over the loss of her old life. She'd had to go cold turkey and become just Rose Tyler again. Now she had a taster of it all dangled in front of her again and she was getting the familiar butterflies and tingles down the spine. It felt dangerous and exciting… but she knew she shouldn't.

She shook her head abruptly. "I… I can't."

"Why not?"

"You know why! It's… it's too soon!"

"It's been a year, Rose. Over a year."

Rose was still mentally backing away, not trusting herself not to leave that second with the other woman. "I… I can't just up and go, Sarah-Jane! I've got too many responsibilities! Anyway, Mum would never let me go and I can't just keep going off on my own like this!"

Sarah-Jane looked at the girl sadly. "Rose, you never just 'go off on your own'. You're always here, always barely a mile away from home."

"I don't have a choice!" Rose reminded her angrily. "It's not like I've just got some tin dog at home you know! I've got a baby, my daughter, to look after! I can't just abandon her!" There was a long silence. Rose felt embarrassed at everything she'd blurted out in the small coffee shop. She sat back in her chair awkwardly. "I'm sorry. I'm just a bit stressed at the moment. But I can't come with you."

Sarah-Jane nodded finally. "I know. I'm sorry, it was a silly suggestion." She sounded disappointed, and she was a bit. She'd only met Rose once before she'd been left behind. She remembered how resentful she'd been of the intruder into her relationship with him. The feisty way she'd spoken to her. This girl was a shell of the old Rose, broken down and broken hearted. There was nothing of the old spark about her.

Rose didn't want to disappoint Sarah-Jane. God only knew, she'd disappointed everyone else enough already. Sarah-Jane was her idol, the proof that there was life after the Doctor, life after seeing everything. She could come out the other side. She gazed out the window, wondering if she should give in after all. The day outside was as dreary as ever. Rain bounced off the pavement, forming pools around the full drains. Cars passed by, splashing pedestrians who were wrestling with their umbrellas in the wind. Everyone was rushing past each other, too busy to notice anyone. Apart from one person. One small person was looking around her, fascinated by every drop of water, every mangy pigeon sheltering in the eaves of the shops. She couldn't have been more than about three, with two blonde pigtails and a pink coat and pink wellies on. She was holding on tightly to a man's hand, her little fingers clasping his large ones. She splashed through the puddles and looked up for his approval. And he rewarded her with a fatherly beam that nearly tore Rose's heart in two. Her little girl would never have that, would never kick up water while holding her daddy's hand. She'd never have a father. She couldn't lose her mother too. She'd made the right choice.

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**A/N: Lyrics for this chapter come from "A year ago today" by Delta Goodrem**


	2. You needed me

**Thanks for the reviews for the chapters so far... I do love getting them lol!****

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"__****You gave me strength to stand alone again, to face the world out on my own again."**

Rose looked down into the cot. There she was, the last Time Lord…well, Lady really, Rose supposed. She wasn't sure if that was the right title. She wasn't even sure exactly how it had all happened. But it had. In this cot in this inconsequential flat lay the child of the Last Time Lord. Rose had realised the enormity of the situation almost as soon as she'd found out she was pregnant, and it had only multiplied since she'd had the baby.

Finding a name had been difficult. Rose had wanted something that would embody everything about the baby's importance, something that would mark her out as different. It had at least been something positive she could concentrate on whilst she sat around, waiting for the baby to come, and nursed a broken heart. She found keeping busy was the best way to avoid having to think about him. She'd spent hours on the internet at the local library, investigating. The librarian had soon come to recognise her, the young pregnant girl who always came alone and always looked sad. Even when she smiled as she handed over her library card to register to use the system, it didn't reach her eyes. Mrs. Hewson remembered how she'd felt when she was pregnant with her first child, now a bold little boy of eight. So lost and alone; she'd never intended to have children so young. Something in Rose struck a chord with her, and she felt compelled to join in the search.

Rose searched every imaginable name. The midwife had confirmed at her twenty-two week scan that she was expecting a girl, and Rose had latched onto that. She went through the usual few. Jacqueline… but she couldn't imagine _two_ Jackies in the same house. Petra after her dad… but that brought up too many memories. She thought about what the baby would represent. Light… Lucy. She just couldn't find a name that would work. And all she could keep wondering day after day was, what would he want her to be called? What would he think of this name, or that name? She wanted to kick herself for even considering his thoughts in the matter.

Mrs. Hewson preferred books to the internet. She'd exhausted all the popular books on the shelves and was going through more unusual ones, reading them out sometimes to amuse herself. The names some people gave their children! She found the name one day.

"How about Tala?" she suggested one afternoon as they both sat, looking through books.

Rose had looked up, her mind suddenly captivated by the sounds of the name. Tala. It rolled off the tongue. It sounded pretty, it sounded mystical and ethereal. It sounded like the name of a Time Lady.

"I love it," she said eventually, reaching for the book. The librarian held onto it though.

"Oh, no, sorry," she apologised. "It means wolf. Not exactly the kind of thing you'd like your little girl to be called is it!" She laughed, even as Rose shuddered. _Wolf_. _Bad Wolf._

"It's perfect," Rose insisted, gathering her things together. Her emotions were all over the place at the moment; being pregnant was hard enough without being all alone too. She needed to get out of there as soon as possible and find a private place to think. And cry; she definitely needed to cry. She rattled off a string of thanks and apologies and excuses, before dashing out of the library. She moved as fast as a six-month pregnant woman could, trying to hold back the tears until she could bury her head in her pillow at home.

Her mum had reacted as Rose had predicted to the suggestion of the name. Rose had kept it from her until after the birth, knowing Jackie would hate it.

"Tala?" she looked at her daughter like she'd gone mad. "Tala Tyler? Rose, do you hate your daughter or something? You can't be serious!"

"I am," Rose said firmly, looking at the baby. "She's a Tala."

"And what on earth does a Tala look like?" Jackie continued ranting. "What's wrong with a normal name, Rose? A normal name like Chloe or Louise or something? This is something that he's suggested isn't it? God, he isn't content with ruining your life is he? He has to muscle in on this poor thing's happiness too! Really, Rose, _Tala Tyler?_"

Rose valiantly struggled to control her temper. "Mum, please. She's called Tala. And I don't want to talk about him again."

* * *

It had all happened so fast. He'd been acting like it was a normal day, that everything was normal. 

"We'll just nip back to your mum's," he said one morning, as he fiddled with the controls on the TARDIS. "See how she's doing."

She'd thought it was odd at the time; he usually tried to avoid Jackie like the plague. But she hadn't argued. It had been a long time since they'd last seen her mum, and she couldn't wait to fill her in on all the things that had been happening. Well, not _all_ the things…

Having thrown a few things into her rucksack, Rose hesitated by the TARDIS door.

"Aren't you coming?" she asked.

He'd glanced up from the controls and grinned. "Yeah, course I am. I'll follow you."

Rose had stepped outside the door into the warm May day, having to close her eyes as she looked into the sun. "It's a lovely day, Doctor," she'd remarked. She heard the door shut behind her. She whipped round. "Doctor?" That familiar noise began, and Rose felt her stomach churn anxiously. "Doctor? What's happening?" The blue telephone box began fading before her eyes. "No! Stop!" she yelled, dropping her bag and rushing towards it. She reached out to grasp the door handle just as it all disappeared from view. Her hand dropped through thin air.

He'd gone without her. She waited a few minutes. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe he'd come back for her. It wasn't the first time he'd made a mistake with the TARDIS after all. She teased him frequently.

"Thousands of years, you've had this thing thousands of years, and you still can't work it properly!" she'd exclaimed one day, as she sat and watched him try and work out quite how they'd ended up in San Francisco in 1903 ("Just in time for the earthquake!" he'd exclaimed cheerfully) instead of Saturn in 3091. It was fully possible that he'd made the same sort of mistake again.

Minutes passed. An hour passed. He hadn't come back. Rose wanted to believe he'd made a mistake, but with every second that ticked by, she felt her spirits dampen. He wasn't coming back. Reluctantly, she picked her bag up and trudged up to her mum's flat.

To say it had been hard to cope with being abandoned was an understatement. A vast understatement. Rose had spent days wandering around the flat, waiting for that tell-tale noise that would mean he'd come back and he would take her away with him again. She couldn't have imagined being without him now; she just didn't know what she'd do. He was so much a part of everything that made up her life now; he was her best friend, her soulmate, the man who had taught her everything she knew. He'd shown her other worlds and strange things; he'd taken her to meet her dad. He'd let her be the girl she'd always wanted to be; he'd made her feel like a success for the first time in her life. Without him, she just felt lost and so alone.

Her mum had hit the roof when Rose finally admitted that not only was she pregnant but that the Doctor had gone away without telling her where or when or even if he'd be back.

"He's done what?" Jackie screeched. Rose couldn't decide whether to join in or defend her Doctor. "He's left you? Just wandered off? Didn't I say he was trouble? Didn't I warn you? I'll kill him! I'll kill him if he ever so much as sets foot back in this flat! I made him promise not to lay a finger on you, what were you thinking, Rose?" The ranting and shouting had continued for nearly ten minutes, while Rose tried to think of other things. It had taken her three months to come to terms with all herself; three months where she'd sat by her bedroom window, her eyes trained on the spot where she'd last seen the square box that had carried away her life. She'd wandered helplessly from room to room, gazing out of each window, just hoping that he was back. That he'd walk back into her life and take her in his arms and forgive her for whatever she'd done wrong. Hold her and tell her everything would be all right. Because she really wasn't sure anymore.

Jackie had finally exhausted herself with a string of abuse aimed at the absent Doctor. She turned back to her only daughter, her pride and joy, the one thing she had in her life. Her Rose… "Oh sweetheart," she said, her voice dropping several decibels as she sat down next to her on the sagging sofa. She put an arm around her and brushed her hair back off of her face. "It'll be fine."

Rose felt her heart finally crack in two. It had taken so long; each day the crack had got bigger, she had felt it happening. Each day that went by when he was away, the fracture had got wider and longer. Now finally, having shared her secrets and her misery with someone else, the only person she had left in the world, she felt it all fall apart in front of her. She wasn't the strong Rose she'd become on her travels. She wasn't even the stubborn Rose who had left school in a temper and given her mum so much grief when she was younger. She was just Rose Tyler, nineteen, pregnant, single and terrified.

"I'm so scared, Mum," she said, burying her head in her mum's shoulder. Tears streamed down her face and sobs choked every word. "I'm so scared."

* * *

Rose had found herself becoming more and more withdrawn as the months passed. She'd tried going out to various places with her mum and found all the looks from people she'd once known, once been close to, all too much. 

"They're not looking at you!" Jackie insisted. "You're imagining it. And if they are, it's only because you're pregnant, everyone looks at pregnant women, it's just life. At least you haven't had anyone put their hands all over you yet! The amount of people that did that when I was carrying you!"

Still, Rose couldn't be convinced to leave the flat apart from for essential hospital visits and the occasional shopping trip. Everywhere she went, she could feel people staring at her, judging her. _There goes Rose Tyler, another teenage mum off the estate. I wonder which bloke is the father._ Deep inside she was screaming indignantly, wanting to tell them that it wasn't like that. That the man she'd left with once and then come back with was the same man, that he wasn't a man at all, but a Time Lord, the last Time Lord. That Mickey had gone to stay somewhere else through his own choice, that she hadn't dumped him, had never stopped loving him really. Just that she'd started loving him in a different way. She wanted to say so much but she couldn't. She couldn't do anything, couldn't _be _anything without him. Without her Doctor.

She'd thought she could never be happy again. She felt like only half a person without him. Then she'd found someone that could help, someone that had suddenly made her feel important and strong again. She held her daughter in her arms, terrified of hurting her, but even more terrified to let her go. She was so tiny, so innocent and defenceless. She was crying out for her to protect her and look after her. Rose felt some confidence flow back into her veins. This little girl needed her. She'd do whatever it took to look after her. She knew in the second she looked into the dark chocolate eyes that Tala had inherited from her father, that she'd kill for this girl, would die several times over. The feelings she had came upon her so fiercely that they surprised her. She was all Tala had; she had to be strong.

Rose had felt ashamed to be pregnant. She knew she shouldn't have, but she did. Now, suddenly, she found herself proud. Proud to have such a beautiful daughter. Proud to have been honoured with such a precious gift, another person to bring up, another life entrusted to her. She'd never even had a pet, except some goldfish that a boyfriend of Jackie's had won at the fair for her. They'd died within days. Now she was responsible for a little person, someone who relied on her totally. She was scared, but she was determined to be everything to Tala.

Only sometimes did Rose find everything getting on top of her. On long nights when Tala wouldn't settle, and she'd paced the short length of her room continually, she found herself thinking what could have been, what should have been and what might have been. She found herself getting frustrated. Each wail from Tala felt like a criticism of her parenting skills. It felt like Tala was asking for something, something Rose couldn't give her.

"Tala, please," she said one night, at almost three in the morning. "Please, darling, just go to sleep. I'm tired, you must be tired. Just please, sleep." Tala carried on crying. Rose couldn't help herself anymore. She was so tired that the tears just started falling. "I'm sorry," she sniffed in a half-whisper. "I'm so sorry, Tala. I'm trying, I really am, but I know I'm not enough. I wanted so much better for you, sweetheart, I wanted everything to be different this time around. I didn't have a daddy either. And I so wanted you to have one. But you haven't. And I'm so sorry. So so sorry."

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**Lyrics for this chapter come from "You needed me" by Boyzone.**


	3. The Boys are Back in Town

**Thanks for the reviews so far! Glad that you're enjoying it at the moment!

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"__****Spread the word around, guess who's back in town."**

Rose had gone to bed after a particularly tiring day. The lifts were broken on the flats again and so she'd had to bump the pushchair down all six flights of stairs. Several people had pushed past her on the landings without even offering to help. She'd shot them filthy looks before continuing her struggle. Then she'd had to take Tala to the doctors' for her check-up and pick up some bits and bobs from the shops for her mum. The rain had started coming down again and it had been a slow journey back up the flights of stairs and into the flat. Along with all the usual mundane Tala related tasks, the day had been packed and Rose had been glad when her daughter had seemed as exhausted as her come seven o'clock and had fallen asleep readily. Rose had sat awake, watching her baby for an hour or so, before admitting that she was tired and had rolled into bed herself, falling almost immediately into the familiar dream. Though it disturbed her, it was like an old friend by now, comforting and reliable. At least she could rely on her imaginary Doctor to be there when she closed her eyes.

She awoke with a start and hit her head yet again. The room was still dark. She could just see the moon through a gap in her curtains. She rubbed her eyes and stood up, reaching for the alarm clock. The luminous numbers showed her it was three-forty-five in the morning. She never woke up this early unless Tala was crying. She looked into the cot. Tala was awake, but not crying. Rose was momentarily baffled. Then she heard the noise. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end and she froze. No. Impossible. She bit her lip hard and winced as she drew blood. The noise continued. She must be dreaming, she must be dreaming. It still carried on. She made her way slowly to the door. She turned the handle slowly. The noise didn't stop. Stepping out into the hallway she looked towards the living room. Lights were coming from under the door. She stepped towards it.

"Rose?" Jackie appeared from out of her bedroom, pulling a cheap polyester dressing gown around herself. Her hair was all over the place, her face strange to Rose without make-up on. Even as a child, she'd rarely seen her mum _sans_ eyeliner. She was blinking in the dim light. "What is it?"

Rose turned to look at her mum. "You know what it is," she said shakily, not entirely trusting her own ears. "It's… Oh, Mum, it's…" She broke off as the noise stopped and they heard footsteps in the living room. And then a voice.

"Here we are! The Royal Wedding, nineteen-eighty…Oh. Not quite." There was a pause and then. "Hold on… that sofa… no. Surely not!"

Rose could bear it no longer. She wrenched the door open. And there he was, just like she'd remembered. He didn't look any different. Same messy brown hair, sticking up in all directions. Same arms and legs, too long for his body or so it seemed. Same mothbally smell coming from his impossibly outdated suit. Even the same scuffed up trainers. He had his back to her. Rose could hardly speak but she managed to squeeze out one word.

"Doctor."

He whipped round and then she was facing into those deep deliciously brown pools of eyes that she wanted to vanish into forever. The big toothy grin that had been on his face fell as his eyes locked onto hers.

"Rose," he said. He seemed to look her up and down, no doubt taking in her slight weight gain and unbleached hair and grubby pyjamas. Rose felt cheated; she'd imagined meeting him again in so many different ways. Almost all of them had involved her looking drop-dead gorgeous. This wasn't fair.

"What are you doing in my house?" Jackie suddenly erupted into the room. Rose was easily pushed aside by her furious mother. "You can just get straight back into that heap of junk and get the hell out of here!"

"Jackie!" The Doctor at least had the sense to look scared as Jackie advanced towards him. "How nice to see you! How are you? How have you been?"

"Don't you dare come in here all polite and how-do-you-doing!" Jackie continued, now firmly into her stride. "After what you've done, I should strangle you with my bare hands, but I'll be nice for your d…"

"Mum!" Rose cut in suddenly, her eyes never leaving his face. "Shut up!"

Jackie turned round to face her daughter. "What? Rose, I was only…"

Rose turned her eyes on her mum, willing her not to say anymore. _Please, don't tell him about Tala!_ She begged silently. _Let me tell him if and when I'm ready._ She didn't hold out much hope of her mum taking the hint. She wished there was some way of distracting her. Her eyes wandered back over to the Doctor, desperate for another glance of him. She felt like an addict, suddenly faced with her drug after months of staying off it. She was failing; she could barely take her eyes off of him. But a small movement behind him caught her attention. A girl, about her age was standing just behind him. In the half-light it had been easy to miss her, but suddenly she was all Rose could see and think about. She reached out for the light switch.

"Who's she?" Jackie screeched, as the girl felt all eyes focussed on her.

"Who? This?" The Doctor glanced at her. "Um, this is Holly. Holly Johnson. Holly, this is Rose and Jackie Tyler, Rose used to… um…."

"I used to be you," Rose said flatly, hardly able to believe what she was seeing. Holly was possibly a little younger than she was, but probably no younger than she was when she first met him. She had dark brown long straight hair, falling to mid-way down her back. She had on a pretty dress and what looked like new shoes. And she had a light tan, suggesting that they'd been somewhere hot for quite a while. Rose had to admit grudgingly that she was a very pretty girl.

The Doctor had frowned when Rose spoke. "Well, I wouldn't say that exactly, what I'd say would be…"

"And what I'm saying is, get out of my flat, _now_!" Jackie attacked again. "I mean it!"

Holly looked suitably scared and the Doctor backed away too, though he tried one last time. "Rose?"

"Go." Rose nodded. "Please. For now. You can't stay in the middle of our living room anyway."

The Doctor nodded. "Okay. Holly, go inside. Rose, I'll… I'll come back in the morning."

Rose wanted to tell him not to bother, but she couldn't form the words. This was what she'd wanted for so long, him back in her life. How could she turn him away now? As she listened to the TARDIS fire up again, she felt the same old fear rise up and wanted to shout no. But Tala began crying and she was momentarily able to forget him and concentrate on something important.

She reached for the phone as Tala fell back asleep. It was nearly four-fifteen. Far too early to be calling anyone really. Far too early to even be awake. She could hear her mum in the kitchen, making a cup of coffee, obviously too wound up to even think about going back to sleep tonight. Rose hesitated before dialling the number. It rang for a long time before the other end was finally picked up.

"Hello, Sarah-Jane Smith speaking." She sounded sleepy and more than a little annoyed at being woken up so early. Rose felt awful but she needed her friend now more than ever.

"It's Rose," she said and then hesitated. Sarah-Jane didn't cut in, waiting for Rose to speak. It took a while for her to find the words. Finally she said, "He's back."

* * *

Sarah-Jane admired Tala as was expected. 

"She's lovely." She smiled. "Gets more beautiful every time I see her. Getting big isn't she?"

Rose nodded, but she wasn't really listening. She'd gone around all morning in a daze, waiting for Sarah-Jane to come around. Jackie had relentlessly ranted on about what a cheek it was for him to just waltz back into their lives now, in the middle of the night, waking them all up. Rose had barely heard her as she fed and changed Tala and pulled on a few clothes herself. Her mind had been working over everything continually, trying to come to terms with the new state of affairs. Finally, Jackie had gone out to work, though very reluctantly. Leaving Rose alone with her thoughts. She wished she knew what to do.

"So what are you going to do?" Sarah-Jane, as usual, identified the dominant question. She wasn't a journalist for nothing.

Rose shrugged. "I don't know."

Sarah-Jane hesitated, but then her curiosity got the better of her. "Has he…?"

Rose shook her head. "No. Still the same."

Sarah-Jane nodded. "Well, that's something."

"Is it?"

"It's a much bigger shock to meet him again when he's changed," Sarah-Jane insisted.

"I suppose."

Sarah-Jane looked across at her. "You look awful, Rose. Why don't you go back to bed for a few hours? K-9 and I will watch Tala." She looked over at her beloved dog, who was snoring in a corner. "Well, at least, I will."

Rose forced a smile. "I couldn't sleep. I… I just don't understand. Why now? Why has he come back?"

"Does he know about Tala?"

Rose shook her head vehemently. "No. I've made Mum promise not to say a word. I don't want him knowing."

"Rose," Sarah-Jane began. "You've got to tell him. She's his daughter, he'd want to know."

"No, not yet." Rose shook her head. "I'm not ready for that."

"It's not about you though."

"She's my daughter!" Rose snapped. "It is about me. I'm not going to just let him take one look at her and abandon her too." The thought that someone could even consider rejecting her beautiful daughter made Rose so angry she thought she might cry. She felt such a mess again. Why? Why had he come back to destroy her again?

"You said he had someone with him," Sarah-Jane tried another avenue. "What's she like?"

"Pretty." Rose shrugged. "Young. She didn't say much. Her name's Holly." She thought about that girl. She hadn't given much thought to her so far. She wondered who she was, where she'd come from. How she'd met him. Where they had been. What he'd shown Holly that he hadn't shown Rose. Or worse, if he'd taken Holly somewhere Rose had been. The End of the World. New Earth. And the last question that she wanted to ask, but wouldn't stop bouncing around her head, knocking other thoughts out of the way. _Do you love her?_

"So they are getting younger then?" Sarah-Jane attempted a joke. Rose didn't even attempt a flicker of a smile. "Aren't you even a bit happy to see him?"

Rose turned to look at her friend incredulously. "Happy? Why would I be happy to see him after all this time?" She wondered if Sarah-Jane had listened to her at all over the last few months since she'd got in touch with her. Did she not know how much he'd hurt her?

"Well, you've said you miss him often enough. And now he's back." Sarah-Jane shrugged. "Wouldn't you at least like to know why he left you?"

Rose got up and stared out of the window. The rain was falling again. Nothing seemed to have changed on the outside. It was still the wettest May on record. But he'd come back. That changed everything. She traced the path of a raindrop down the window.

"Rose, all I'm saying is, that you've been given a chance to see him again. Lots of people never get that chance." Sarah-Jane bit her lip before continuing. "Don't you at least owe it to Tala to meet with him and see what he has to say for himself?"

Rose had to hand to it to the other woman; she knew how to get around her. She'd do anything for Tala. How often had she apologized to her for the mess she'd made? Could she really forgive herself if she sent him away so soon? In the future, when Tala asked where her daddy was, what could she say? _He came back, but I was too proud and angry and hurt to let him back in. So I sent him away. _She had to do this for Tala's sake.

"If he comes back around," she said now carefully, still staring out across the rooftops of the estate. "Then I'll talk to him."

The doorbell rang. Instinctively Rose knew it was him. And she braced herself for the ride.

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**Lyrics from "The Boys are back in town" by Thin Lizzy... not exactly a sad song but I do love it!**


	4. Because of you

**A/N: If you're reading my other fic "Come Together" which can be linked to this one,not all thelinkswill be obvious in this chapter yet, because I haven't finished that fic... trust me, it'll make sense when I write the ending to the other one! But because of all the lovely reviews you've all given this one, I wanted to put the next chapter up asap. Hope this is up to standard!

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"_**Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you, I am afraid."**_

Rose looked down the menu, determined not to make eye-contact with him. "When you said you'd take me out to dinner," she said, trying to keep her voice light, "I didn't exactly expect this." She looked round at the brightly lit café, with chipped formica tables and yellow flooring. One light bulb was flickering. There was a smell of grease coming from every corner.

The Doctor looked up from his own menu. "No? What's wrong with it?" He readjusted his glasses. "I think I'll have the triple-mega-burger and chips.What about you?"

Rose put the menu down. "Just a salad." She hadn't been able to stomach burgers ever since she'd become pregnant. Just the thought made her feel ill all over again.

The Doctor frowned. "You used to love burgers! And chips!" He sounded surprised and more than a little hurt. Once upon a time, Rose would have tried to placate him, insisted that she _did_ love burgers, that she just fancied a salad now. Anything to put that smile back on his face.

Now she just shrugged as she took a sip of water. "Things change." She hesitated. "I see you've managed not to this time."

"No!" he agreed, looking down at himself delightedly. "I'm pleased with it, actually. There have been a few hair-raising things since I left you, but I guess I must be getting tougher in my old age."

"And getting more refined tastes," Rose agreed. "Holly seems nice." She was making this all up as she went along. Something else she'd picked up from him. Only he was better; she was just sticking to little conversational patterns.

"Oh, she is!" He nodded enthusiastically. "Holly's a lovely girl. I really think you'll like her when you get to know her."

Rose couldn't imagine anything worse, but she held her tongue. "Where did you meet her?" And when… had he found her immediately after abandoning Rose?

"I was just strolling through Oxford one day, and bumped into her," he explained. "There was some sort of monstery thing, you know, the usual. And she happened to be there and one thing led to another and here we are. Must be about three months ago now." He was smiling. "She's a bright girl, too. Really on the ball. She's helped me out of more than a few scrapes by now."

Rose nodded. "Landed on your feet this time, haven't you?" She tried to keep the edge out of her voice but failed. She took a long swig of water. "So, where have you been lately?" she asked, forcing a smile as she shook her hair back off her shoulders. "Anywhere exciting?"

"Here and there." He shrugged, sitting back in his seat. "We were aiming for nineteen-eighty-one when we ended up here. Holly wanted to see the royal wedding for some reason. I tried to tell her, the coronation is where it's at, but would she listen? She's just like you, you know, always so stubborn." He grinned. "Hey, do you remember the coronation?"

A passing waiter frowned at the two of them as he went past. Rose blushed and inspected her fingernails self-consciously before replying. "Yeah, I remember. It was fun." Well, if you could call having your face sucked off by some creature in a television fun. But the outfit had been one of her favourites. And the after party had been a ball. _And the look on his face when he found you again…_

"Yeah." The Doctor leaned forward, resting his chin in his hand and propping his elbow on the table. "It's a shame we didn't make it to see Elvis though. I thought I might take Holly at some point. She has got the worst taste in music, worse than yours!"

Rose wasn't sure whether to hate him or Holly more in that moment. But she swallowed it down. She was impressed with herself tonight; she was being very mature.

"Anyway, enough about me," the Doctor said now, running a hand through his hair. Rose resisted the urge to reach out and smooth it down. She wondered if Holly ever did that, if he let her do it. "What about you? What have you been doing?"

"You know, the usual." Rose shrugged.

"No. What's the usual?"

"This and that. Still living with Mum."

"Right." The Doctor nodded. "Yeah, sorry about this morning. You know what I'm like with the old girl… some things never change, eh?" The waiter reappeared with their food. "Oh great!" He began digging into his huge burger almost instantaneously. Rose picked at her salad, wondering what else she could say that would be normal and not what she really wanted to ask.

Several minutes passed. The Doctor finally stopped eating long enough to say, "Hey, do you remember those burgers we had out on that satellite?"

Rose frowned. "No."

"You must do! You said how nice they were, until I told you what they were made from." He pulled a face. "Oh come on, it was just after we'd come back from the Battle of Hastings and you said that…"

"I've never been to the Battle of Hastings," Rose replied, just as the waiter walked past again. Great. Another stranger thinking she was odd.

"Yes you have, we went…" The Doctor tailed off. His face fell. "Oh. No, sorry, that must have been Holly." He went back to his food silently.

"So where is Holly this evening?" Rose ventured to ask.

"Back in the TARDIS," the Doctor said. "I've left her with some DVDs and she seems perfectly content."

Rose nodded. That devil on her shoulder rose up again. "So you've managed not to abandon her then?"

The Doctor half choked on his food. "What?" His head shot up and he looked at her, those brown eyes full of amazement. "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing. Just, you know… it's obviously not time for you to leave Holly behind yet." Rose pushed her half-eaten salad away. "You know what, I'm not really that hungry, I think I might head off. I've got a bit of a headache. Here, I'll pay for my half, it was nice to see you." She dropped a ten pound note onto the table, and picked her coat up from the back of the chair. "Bye Doctor."

"Rose?" The Doctor dropped his burger. "No, wait, Rose! Just hold on!" As she headed out of the door, he was already halfway out of his chair, which clattered to the floor. He grabbed his coat before shoving past the waiter towards the door.

"Sir! You haven't paid!" The waiter tried to block his path, but he had no chance against a Time Lord in mid-run. He found himself forced to one side as the Doctor reached for the door and headed out into the damp May night after Rose.

Rose was walking along the pavement, avoiding the puddles in the shoes she'd borrowed off her mum. They were a size too small and she'd forced her toes into them against their will. They were pretty though; red peep-toe court shoes. She used to have a pair like them, which had cost her a lot more than these had cost Jackie. She'd sold them to buy a pushchair for Tala. She was trying to keep out of the rain as well as she could too, to avoid spoiling the silk dress she had on. He hadn't even noticed, she thought bitterly now. The dress he'd bought her and he hadn't even noticed. What a stupid idea this really was.

"Rose!"

She turned to see him jogging towards her, hands in pockets. He was pulling a puzzled face. So much for having infinite intelligence if he couldn't even work out what had upset her.

"What happened?" he asked, as he got closer. "Why did you run off?"

Rose was about to speak when she noticed the man heading quickly after the Doctor. The waiter. Oh God, he'd walked out without the paying the bill again! How many times had she told him? _You'd think Miss. Boat Race would have cured him of _that_ little habit._ She felt in her small handbag, the one she'd had for years and that went with everything. Just as she'd thought: only five pounds left. Barely enough for a taxi home.

The Doctor had reached her by now, and was still looking confused. He was about to speak when he got interrupted by the waiter.

"Sir? The bill?" Rose almost felt sorry for him. After all, he was probably just some student trying to make ends meet and he'd managed to end up serving the one person on the planet who really didn't understand the concept of money.

The Doctor turned to look at the waiter, a look of extreme irritation on his face. "I'm sorry?"

"The bill." The waiter avoided his disdainful gaze and looked at Rose instead. "There was ten pounds left on the table… I'm afraid that doesn't quite cover the bill…"

"We're food critics!" Rose suddenly blurted out. The Doctor's head swivelled round so fast she was sure it would give him whiplash. She hesitated as she met his eye before continuing. "Yeah, we…. Critique food. Don't we… John?" Please let him still have the psychic paper, please let him catch on.

"Um, yes." He nodded and reached into his inside pocket. A startled look came over his face as he checked another pocket. And another. He pulled a face. "Damn. It must be in my other jacket."

The waiter looked between the two of them. There was something very strange about this pair. "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you're going to have to come back with me and speak to the manager."

The Doctor nodded. "Right. Okay." The waiter turned his back. He leaned down to Rose. "Um, what do we do now?"

Rose did some quick thinking before making a decision. "Now… we run!" She grabbed his hand and set off at a fast pace in the opposite direction from the waiter. She heard him give a yell as he realised what they were doing, but she kept her head down and continued running. The Doctor was slightly ahead, but kept looking back at her, a bit confused.

"Turn right!" Rose yelled directions to him, remembering the old alleyways from when she used to do this kind of the thing a lot. She could remember the exhilaration now, as she and Mickey used to run off from where they'd been hanging around, up to no good as usual. They'd never done anything too bad; just usual bored kid things.

Eventually Rose slowed down. She clutched at a stitch in her side. She let her hand fall from the Doctor's.

"I think," she panted, "we've lost him."

The Doctor hardly even seemed out of breath. Rose was ready for a long lie down. Not only was she incredibly unused to running like that these days, but her feet were killing her. She sat down on a bench and wriggled her toes out of them, wincing as she saw the blisters.

"That was fun!" He wasn't even being sarcastic. "We should do that more often!"

"What, steal?" Rose replied, rubbing her feet.

He looked over at her. "You okay?"

"Fine."

"You don't look fine."

Rose sat back on the bench and let out a long sigh. "Just not used to that kind of exercise anymore, that's all. And these stupid shoes of Mum's didn't help."

The Doctor looked at the offending articles. "They're not exactly made for running, are they?" He frowned. "Your mum's? What happened to the pair you had like that?"

Rose was taken aback and blinked twice. "Oh. Well, they… I… I lost them," she said finally, not willing to admit her poor financial state.

"You lost them?" He laughed. "After the fuss you made over them and everything! I thought they cost a lot?"

"They did." Far too much, she should never have bought them. But how she'd loved them.

"And you _lost them?_ What were you doing, dancing round your handbag at three in the morning?" He was finding this all very amusing.

"Something like that."

"And you _lost them!"_ There he went again, in fits of laughter.

Rose inspected her nails while she waited for him to control himself. Finally, he stopped guffawing long enough for her to get a word in edgeways. "I didn't think you'd have remembered, anyway."

Instantly the smile left his face. "What? Have remembered what?"

"The shoes. That I had a pair just like these."

He sat down next to her on the bench. "Rose, of course I remember. I mean, I might be getting old, but I'm not crazy just yet!" He hesitated. "I remember the shoes. And that I bought you that dress to go with them." He fingered the material of the skirt gently. "It still suits you." There was a long pause and Rose found herself staring directly into his deep brown eyes. Tala had his eyes, that was for certain.

"Why did you run out of the restaurant?"

She shrugged, momentarily struck dumb. How did he always manage that? She'd been so set to lay into him, to tell him everything she thought of him since he'd left her. Instead, she was sitting on a park bench discussing her favourite pair of shoes that she didn't even own anymore.

"Oh. So nothing's wrong then?" He sounded hopeful, like he believed it could really be true. Like he thought that she'd snap out of it any second and they could go back to reminiscing over old times. Laughing and joking about her shoes and the places they'd been and the people they'd seen. Suddenly Rose felt her anger turn back on again. _Welcome back. Where have you been for the last hour!_

"You really have no idea do you?"

The Doctor put his head on one side questioningly. "About what?"

"This. Me. Everything." Rose felt her words tumbling out of her mouth with little help or guidance from her. "You just don't get it, do you?"

"Get what? You're not really making any sense, Rose."

"That's rich, coming from you!" She had to force herself not to scream the words. "You talk about me not making sense, when you… you don't even know what sense is! You're a million miles away from sense! You're not even in the same universe as sense! You're about fifteen billion years to the left of sense! If I'm sense, you're in fifty-first century Jupiter!" She paused to catch her breath.

The Doctor thought her words over and nodded. "I can see your point. I think."

"No you don't!" Rose launched in again, standing up. "You don't even get why I walked out of the restaurant, how can you possibly understand what I'm trying to tell you now?" All the months of anger and resentment and frustration that she'd shoved deep down inside of her were making their way up. She was finding it hard to believe she'd agreed to have dinner with him, seeing as she could barely stand the sight of him at this moment in time. _Think about Tala_.

"I'm trying!" He was standing up now, facing her. "I'm really trying here! But I don't understand why you're so upset!"

Rose felt her bottom lip tremble, but she was determined not to cry. "You used to understand!" she said bitterly. "You used to…You used to care about me!"

"I still do!"

"How can you say that after what you did?" In spite of herself she felt two hot angry tears coursing their way down her face. "How can you say you care about me when you just left me here on my own without even saying goodbye?"

His eyes widened. "What? I didn't, I…  
"Yes you did! You just let me get out that day, thinking you were coming too, but you just went away, just like you did to Sarah-Jane and Jack and Adam and everyone! You abandoned us all, Doctor, you just…" She swallowed back some sobs.

"Rose, listen to me…"

"No, you listen!" Rose growled. "I'm sick of listening to your excuses for why you do those things. How can you justify what you did?"

"I can explain…"

"Explain what? Why you suddenly felt the need to get rid of me? And you didn't even say anything, you just…" She tried to collect her scattered thoughts. She should have thought this through, come up with a more structured argument. She'd always been good at debating at school; what was her main point? "I spent so long waiting for you, you know. I thought you'd made a mistake, that you were coming back any minute. But you didn't, you just… left. I trusted you and you just… dumped me. Do you know how hard it was for me to trust you, the new you? I didn't understand what had happened to you, but I still tried, didn't I?"

The Doctor could see the pain all over her face, and felt his own inside. "You tried, Rose. You did so well."

"Then why, Doctor? You could have talked to me, told me why you felt you needed some space. I'd have given it you, I'd have…" She sniffed. "I'd have done anything for you. I thought we were friends."

"We are!"

"No, we aren't! We never were! You just left me behind, friends don't do that!" She wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. "What was I, just some toy for you to play with until you got bored and fancied a change? A blonde this year, a brunette the next, is that it?"  
"Rose!"  
"Don't!" She fell silent, trying to control her heaving sobs. A year's worth of anger had risen up, tearing her in two.

Into the silence, the Doctor spoke. "I was wrong to do that, Rose."

"Yes. You were." Rose sniffed.

"But I'm back now…"

"And I wish you hadn't come back!" Rose snapped. "You should have stayed away, you should have… I don't know, taken your new friend somewhere, anywhere but here! I don't want you hanging around me again, Doctor." Her voice faltered on the last syllable. The Doctor looked like he was about to speak when her phone rang.

"I suppose that's your mother," he said, unable to resist it.

Rose glared at him, before pulling her phone out of her bag. It was her mum. She answered it.

"Rose? Now I don't want you to worry, sweetheart, it's all fine…"

"Mum, you don't say that unless something's wrong," Rose said, instantly alert. "What's happened?"

"Tala's just running a bit of a temperature," Jackie was saying, sounding remarkably light-hearted and calm about it. "Nothing to worry about, love, but we're just taking her to the hospital to have her checked over."

Rose realised what it meant for your blood to run cold. "What do you mean? What's wrong with her?"

"Don't worry!" Jackie insisted. "Look, we're nearly at the hospital now, I'll have to turn this off. Just come as soon as you can, but be careful! Don't do anything silly."

"What hospital?" Rose demanded. The Doctor looked up suddenly at her.

"St. Brigit's," Jackie informed her. "But there's no panic, Rose, she's fi-" Rose hung up and shoved her phone back into her bag.

"I've got to go," she said.

"What's wrong? Who's in hospital?"

"It doesn't matter," Rose insisted. "I've just got to go."

"Rose, you've gone as pale as a ghost… and believe me, I know. You can't go on your own."

"I'll be fine. But I need to go now."

"Well, who's hurt?"

"No one!"

"Ill?"

"I need to go!"

He caught her wrist. "Rose. What's wrong? Tell me."

"Please, Doctor!"

"Rose." He fixed her with his firm stare. "I just want to help. Let me in. Please."

She'd promised herself this wouldn't happen again. He'd hurt her too much, betrayed her beyond belief. He'd ruined any sense of trust she'd built up since Jimmy Stone had broken her heart when she was sixteen. He'd shown her too much, shown her that things _did_ go bump in the night and that life was more dangerous than she could ever have imagined. Why couldn't he see that she was afraid? She'd seen all there was to see, and she knew what could go wrong. Daily life terrified her now.

But he was here now, his hand gently on her wrist. She could feel his double-pulse through his skin. She could smell those mothballs. She was tired of being strong, of having to be reliable all the time. He was her Doctor; she wanted him to make it better.

"It's Tala." She hesitated. "Our daughter."

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**Lyrics from "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson**


	5. Born to Try

**I know I say this every time but thank you so so much for your lovely reviews. They really mean a lot to me, and it's so nice to know that people are enjoying reading it as much I enjoyed writing it. Thank you!

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"_**You gotta make choices, be wrong or right. Sometimes you gotta sacrifice the things you like."**_

"Where is she? What's wrong with her?" Rose demanded as soon as she came within earshot of Jackie. She looked into the room her mum was sitting outside. There was a window and she could see a doctor examining Tala. She looked so small and fragile. She'd let her down, again; she hadn't been there when she needed her mum. Instead she'd been messing around with some bloke she should have put out of her mind a long time ago, just like he'd put her out of his.

"The doctor's just checking her over," Jackie explained. She put an arm around her daughter. "She'll be fine, Rose. Have you been crying?"

Rose wiped a mascara stain away with her hand. "No, I was just…" She shrugged. "What do they think is wrong with her?"

"They haven't said," Jackie replied. "Listen, Howard's just gone to get us some drinks. Do you want one?"

"No." Rose shook her head.

"I'd love a cup of tea," the Doctor said.

Jackie suddenly realised he was there and erupted into action. "What's _he_ doing here? You've got a nerve if you think…"

"Mum!" Rose warned her. "Can I… can we go in?"

Jackie looked from her daughter to him. "You can, sweetheart. But do you really want him?"

"Yes Mum." Rose nodded. "He knows." She looked at him. He was gazing through the window, his eyes not moving from her tiny body. He'd been virtually silent on the taxi ride over. The taxi driver, Dave as he had informed them within seconds of them getting in, had regaled Rose with stories of his own two kids' hospital adventures. She was sure that he was just trying to help, but she really didn't want to hear about the million and one ways children could get injured or ill. Still, he'd undercharged them, accepting her meagre fiver without any hassle.

"That's fine, love," he said as he shoved it into his pocket. "Now don't you worry, she'll be fine."

Now the Doctor was completely absorbed in Tala; he looked like he did when he saw something particularly wonderful up on some far away planet. In awe. Rose reached out and tugged on his jacket sleeve gingerly.

"Are you coming?"

He turned to look at her, looking surprised that she'd spoken. He'd obviously been a long way away. It took him a moment to respond.

"Oh, right," he said finally. "Um… do you think that would… I mean…" He scratched the back of his neck anxiously. "What I mean is…" He hesitated. "Yeah. Sure I'm coming."

He followed her into the room where a doctor was just finishing some routine examinations. He was marking things down on a sheet of paper as they entered.

"Ah, you must be Miss Tyler," he said, smiling briefly. He looked the Doctor up and down. "And you are…?"

"A friend," Rose said quickly, feeling herself flush bright red for an instant. "We were out for dinner. How's Tala?"

"She's fine," the doctor insisted. "Her temperature's coming down now, and all her responses are normal. We'll just keep her in over night to check her." He finished making notes. "Honestly, she's fine," he smiled and squeezed Rose's shoulder. "If you need anything, just call for the nurse." He walked out leaving the two of them alone.

Rose was completely absorbed in Tala for several minutes, forgetting that the Doctor was even on the same planet let alone in the same room. That momentarily hurt the Doctor; once upon a time he'd been the most important thing in her world. She'd have died for him. _She almost did_. Now he was just another person, totally eclipsed by this baby. He couldn't hold it against her for long though.

After checking Tala over, as if the doctors didn't know what they were looking for, Rose turned back to him.

"Well," she said awkwardly, biting her lip. "Do you want to meet her?"

He nodded and stepped forwards. Rose picked up Tala carefully and turned towards him.

"This is Tala," she said softly, unable to resist kissing her daughter's head gently and burying her nose in her delicious baby smell. "Tala… this is the Doctor." Her eyes flicked upwards to meet his momentarily. Luckily he didn't appear too bothered that she hadn't introduced him as Tala's father.

The Doctor's face broke out in a broad smile as he looked at Tala. He offered her his finger, which she caught at tightly and giggled slightly.

"She likes you," Rose said, unsure whether to be pleased at that or not. Part of her wanted to tell her daughter off. _For God's sake, Tala, one smile from an attractive man and you're putty in his hands!_ Still, like mother like daughter.

"I like her," the Doctor replied, still grinning. "She's lovely, Rose." He hesitated. "Can I… can I hold her?"

Rose hesitated too. It was so simple, just to hand Tala over, but it was so much more than that. It would mean acceptance of him being back and being a part of Tala's life. She just didn't know if she was ready for that. She pulled a face. "I don't know, she's a bit funny with strangers…"

"I'm not a stranger," the Doctor said. "I'm her dad."

The door opened and they both turned to look.

"Is she okay?" Jackie came into the room, carrying a cup of coffee. A man followed. Jackie gave the Doctor a fierce glare before proceeding to check Tala over herself.

"She's fine, Mum," Rose replied. "Hi Howard." She looked at the Doctor. "Doctor, this is…"

"Howard!" The Doctor launched himself towards the other man, who looked taken aback. He was more than a little relieved when this stranger simply offered his hand to shake. "I wore your dressing gown once! You like apples!"

Howard looked at both Jackie and Rose. Jackie finally spoke.

"Didn't I say he was strange?"

Howard nodded. "Um, so, is Tala okay then, Rose?"

"I think so." Rose nodded. "They're just going to keep her in over night." She smoothed the few hairs on her daughter's head down. "Mum, can you just watch her for a bit?" she asked, handing her over to Jackie.

"What?" Jackie frowned, taking her grand-daughter. "Well, where are you going?"

"I'm just going to get a drink," Rose explained, catching the Doctor's eye.

"Well, Howard can do that." Jackie gestured to her boyfriend.

"No, it's fine," Rose insisted. "We've got stuff to talk about."

Howard nodded. "There's a machine just down the corridor. We'll come and get you if you're needed."

"Thanks." Rose smiled and led the way out of the room. Before the door had even closed she could hear her mum snapping at Howard.

"Howard! You could have got her a drink at least!"

"She wanted to go herself! I think they need to talk anyway." The door closed behind them. Rose let out a long sigh.

"Are you okay?" the Doctor asked, looking down at her.

Rose nodded. "Yeah, fine. Let's get a drink."

"So how old is she?"

"Three months." Rose took a sip of the coffee she'd got from the machine and struggled to swallow. This was even worse than the black stuff she'd made on board the TARDIS on those nights when she didn't want to sleep. She couldn't resist adding, "Obviously."

The Doctor nodded. "Yeah, I suppose that would make sense. Did you…did you know when…?"

"No, Doctor." Rose shook her head. "I had no idea when you dumped me back here."

He looked slightly hurt. "It wasn't exactly like that, Rose."

"Then what was it like?"

"You know."

"No I don't." Rose looked at him. "So explain."

The Doctor shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Well, it's just… being a Time Lord isn't all easy you know, Rose, it's a big responsibility. There's the universe to think of and then…"

"Yeah, yeah. That old excuse." Rose was being slightly more rude than she'd intended to be, but she was finding it quite liberating. Anyway, she'd learnt it all from him.

"It's not an excuse, Rose. It's the truth." He rubbed his eyes, trying to find the right words. "It's like… everything I do has consequences, but I still have to make choices. I never know what the consequences will be until I make that choice. And they could be catastrophic, Rose, they could be like Armageddon, end of the world, death-to-all, plain _bad_. But they seem like the right idea at the time."

Rose shrugged. "That's the same for most people."

"No it's not!" He gritted his teeth, trying not to lose his temper with her. "Rose, if you make a bad choice, who does it affect? You, and maybe your mum-"

"And Tala," Rose interrupted, glaring at him.

He lost some of his aggression. "Well, yeah, I guess. But imagine if the choice you made impacted on the whole world, the whole universe, the whole of space and time…" He tailed off. "But you know all this."

Rose shook her head. The Doctor frowned.

"The letter. I said all this in the letter."

"What letter?"

"_The_ letter!" he stressed. "The one I wrote you, the one I left in your diary… Rose, tell me you read the letter."

Rose shook her head. "I… I don't know what you're talking about. What letter?"

"Oh God!" the Doctor exclaimed loudly and walked away from her distractedly. She could hear him muttering words under his breath. Galifreyan cursings no doubt. After a while, he came back.

"When I… went away," he said awkwardly. "I left you a letter in your diary to explain things. Did you not read it?"

"I didn't know it existed until about five minutes ago," Rose pointed out. "So no, I didn't read it."

"Oh Rose!" He'd gone a very pale colour. "Rose, I'm so sorry, I… I thought you'd definitely look in your diary, you're always writing things in there!"

"Yeah, well, I didn't really feel like reading it after you'd gone. It hurt too much."

The Doctor suddenly crouched down in front of her and took her hands, forcing her to drop her half-empty coffee cup on the floor. "Rose, I'm so so sorry. No wonder you hate me! I mean, even with the letter you'd probably hate me, but without it…"

"What's so special about this letter?" Rose asked.

The Doctor paused. "I think you ought to read it for yourself," he said finally. "I just… oh Rose, I didn't mean to hurt you like this, it's just sometimes… you can't have everything you want. Sometimes you have to give up what you want, what you like, what you…" He stood up again and stared out of the window for a few minutes. When he spoke again his tone had changed and so had his topic. "So… Tala's a nice name."

"It means…"

"Wolf. Yeah, I know." He give her a weak smile. "I had some Red Indian friends back in the day."

"Quelle surprise." Rose managed to work up enough humour to tease him. "My mum thought I was crazy calling her that. Tala Tyler."

He grinned. "Well, that is a bit cruel! So, how much Galifreyan is she?" he asked. "Has she got two-?"

"Just the one," Rose replied abruptly. "Thank God. Imagine explaining _that_ to the doctors!"

"It would be a bit awkward," this Doctor agreed. "So no other signs of her being a Time Lady then?"

"Not as yet." Rose shook her head. "She hasn't regenerated as yet. But she is only three months old. Though she is a bit advanced for her age. She's been sleeping through the night for ages!"

The Doctor grinned broadly. "That's my girl!"

There was a long awkward pause. Then Rose stood up.

"We better get back to her," she said, putting her cup in the bin. "She'll wonder where we've gone."

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**Lyrics from "Born to Try" by Delta Goodrem... yeah, I was listening to the album when the idea came into my head!**


	6. I guess thats why they call it the blues

**This is now the story I've written that has the most reviews! I'm so totally touched, thank you so much! This is the letter chapter... I have to say, without being vain or anything, that writing this chapter, and the letter part especially, was really hard... it really upset me which is quite tragic! I hope you don't think it's too sentimental and out of character for the Doctor.

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"__****Live for each second without hesitation, and never forget I'm your man."**

After settling Tala the following evening, Rose prepared herself to open her diary. It had been lying under her bed since she'd returned a year ago; she couldn't stand to see its blue leather cover with the big scorch mark from when she'd left it too close to the vortex. It had mocked her, staring up at her and reminding her what she'd lost. Between those covers she'd written down her every thought and feeling whilst she'd been on board the TARDIS. She'd re-read some parts of it so many times that she could still remember them now and they made her feel so stupid. As she searched under her bed this evening, pulling out all the things she'd stashed under there in the last year, one particular entry kept racing through her mind, over and over again, as if it were stuck on a loop. No matter how much she tried to block it out, by pretending to marvel at the things she found, she couldn't get rid of the sentences that ran around her mind. She could even remember where she was when she'd written them. She'd taken the diary into the bathroom with her to be away from Mickey; he was always so nosey over things like that, and she couldn't let him read what she was writing this time. Perched on the side of the bath, while she let the shower run, steam had risen up, making the pages damp and difficult to write on, but she had been determined to get her feelings down on paper. As she scrabbled under the bed now, she remembered how she'd always felt better after writing things down; maybe she should start again.

That evening, she'd hardly known where to begin, and the first three paragraphs or so had been mundane, recording the events of the day. Well, mundane in the sense that they'd landed on a space station in the fifty-first century and somehow stepped through a "spatio-temporal hyperlink" (she had to smile even now) into pre-Revolutionary France. Then there was the usual Doctor saves the day stuff and then finally she'd got down to what she'd really wanted to say. Had been saying deep down for weeks, months, ever since she'd clapped eyes on the Doctor all that time ago.

_Today reminded me that he wasn't my Doctor. That he could so easily go off and leave me if he wanted. I don't own him; I barely even know him. It's not like when you meet a regular person, is it? You learn their name, where they come from, what they do, how old they are… it's not exactly simple when it comes to the Doctor. Doctor Who? He comes from somewhere I can't even imagine, and that he can't point out on a map. I can't even base my knowledge of him on what he looks like; I've seen two of him. He is the ultimate in unknowableness (if that's even a word!) How can you own something you don't even understand?_

_He could leave me if he wanted. He didn't have to come back today; he could have stayed in France with her, he could have forgotten all about us up on that space station. But he didn't, he came back. Even if he was quiet and withdrawn at first… he came back. And he'll always come back, I can feel that. Always._

Her naivety almost made her vomit. Such a stupid little girl, believing in the happy endings, believing in true love conquering all. Believing in him had been her big mistake. She was just torturing herself with those memories of what she had been. Innocent. Naïve. Idiotic. Pathetic. Too trusting.

She pulled a box of CDs out and there it was, gathering dust. She pulled it out, remembering its feel. It was covered in dust and she blew it off, carefully avoiding Tala's cot. She took a deep breath. Her stomach was fluttering anxiously. He hadn't told her what was in the letter, just that he hoped it would explain things.

As she opened her diary, several folded sheets of paper dropped out. She picked them up. It was a long letter. She sat on her bed and opened them out. From the first sheet, she could tell that a lot of it was crossed out; he'd clearly had difficulty with this. And his handwriting was appalling. Maybe that was why he was called the Doctor. Slowly, struggling to decipher some words, Rose read the letter.

_Dear Rose._

_It hasn't been easy writing this. If there was any other way to do this I would. I'm normally the one who can't stop talking, aren't I? How often have you told me to be quiet and let you get a word in edgeways? So you'd think I'd have had enough practise at this kind of thing to stand me in good stead for anything. Well, you'd be wrong. This is the only way I can think of to do this, and if it makes me a coward, so be it. I am a coward, for what I've done and why. I'm a coward because I've left it until now to say everything, and can't even say it to your face. There's so much I want to tell you, Rose, and I can't even think where to begin. _

_From the moment I saw you, down in that basement, I knew I had to protect you. Something in you called out to me, and I made a promise to myself that I'd never let anything harm you. You haven't made that easy at times, and I know I've failed. I wasn't always there for you, I didn't always do the right thing. But I'm the Time Lord, I'm not perfect. I'm as flawed as you are, Rose, probably more so. I make mistakes and some of my biggest mistakes were connected to you. I should never have put you in the situations I did. In Utah, I shouldn't have let that filthy Darlek within one hair's breadth of you. I shouldn't have put you in the position of seeing your dad die. I should never have sent you away and forced you into looking into the vortex. I should never have left you behind when I went to France. I should have stayed by your side at the Coronation. I took us to that stupid planet and risked our lives. Of all the mistakes I've ever made, Rose, the biggest was asking you come with me. Because I knew deep down, that no matter how much I wanted to protect you, if you came with me and saw the things I saw, then you would get hurt in some way And yet, that was my favourite mistake. I lie awake at night and think sometimes, and I know that it would have been a mistake not to make that mistake. Because you, Rose Tyler, have changed my life forever. And I want to thank you for that._

_I want to thank you for accepting me the way I was, and the way I am. I never told you, but I heard you crying at night for the old me. You don't know how much I wanted to give you what you wanted, what you needed. I had to force myself not to go into you and tell you how much I wished I could be the man you loved, the man you lived for. Even if he was, dare I say, a darn sight less dashing than I am now! I knew how much you were hurting and yet I couldn't say a thing; regeneration is something I've had to deal with, have known about since I was born. It's the charm and the curse of the Time Lords. How could I make you understand that it had taken me by surprise as much as you this time? That for some reason I'd felt invincible this time, like I could live forever. A reason that was lying on her bed, sobbing her heart out for the man she had lost, while the man she had gained was standing alone in the corridor, watching her cry. I want to thank you for making the effort, because I know it wasn't easy. Sharing your life with a stranger twice over… Thank you._

_I want to thank you too for being you. You are a wonderful person, Rose, don't ever let anyone tell you differently. You've made me believe in so much all over again. When I met you I was a different man, in more ways than one. I'd lost everything, my home, my family, my friends. All I had left in the world was this blue box and a scattering of memories; memories too painful to think about. I'd expected to live out my lonely life, just spinning through time and space, waiting for the end that was forever in coming. Then I met you and suddenly I felt like I had a purpose again. You were like a breath of fresh air, coming into my stuffy old life, showing me it all through the eyes of a nineteen-year-old drop-out from a rough London estate. Sorry, there goes the rudeness again. I didn't mean that; you're so much more, Rose, Tyler, so much more. I don't even know how to explain everything you are. You've shown me what it is to be human, really human. I was scared to feel when I met you, scared to let go entirely. To feel was to hurt… I was even beginning to understand the Cybermen. If I could have numbed all my senses and just lived in my own shell, I would have done. You gave me back the will to live, the will to feel. Sadness, happiness, jealousy, pity, grief, awe, hate, love… I'd hidden from all of these, too terrified to lay myself open again to get hurt. But they were part of you, they were who you were. How could I not wish to feel them? Without emotions, what are we anyway? Just empty shells on a rock in space. No better than tin cans. And you know how I'd hate to be a tin can. Thank you._

_I want to thank you for choosing me so often. Believe me, it boosted my confidence no end. What I offered you was no doubt more exciting than anything you'd ever experienced down there, in your urban life. I don't know exactly what you saw when you ran towards me that night. Adventure. Excitement. Escape. Freedom. Maybe all of those. Maybe none. But it was a big leap for you, I know that. Your life was so very different before I came into it. I dismissed it as boring at the time, certain you'd want to come and see the stars. But I have lain awake at night sometimes, wondering if I forced you into it. Maybe you loved your life down there, living with your mum, being with Mickey, working in that shop. Maybe that was all you wanted and you'd have been content with that. To have chosen me over the only life you'd ever known, the people you loved… that meant so much. I know I drove you mad sometimes, especially when I was rude to Mickey. It wasn't that I hated him… oh okay, it was. But it wasn't like you thought. I was jealous of him at first, annoyed that he'd shared so much with you, been your best friend for years. I'd wasted so much time living on my own, mourning my loss, licking my wounds. I think sometimes that I'd like to have met you sooner, when you were younger. I'd have watched you grow up. I'd have been the one you ran home to when that slimeball Jimmy Stone cast you aside like you meant nothing. I'd have picked you up and held you closely and told you how much you were worth, because you're worth a thousand of people like him, a million. I hated that Mickey would forever be your knight in shining armour. And I hated that you still loved him, still wanted to be with him. Even as the months wore on, and I saw you choosing me over him time after time, I still harboured that fear that you'd leave me alone again to be with him. Yet as I became more certain that you would never, could never choose him over me, I still felt some derision towards him. It wasn't smugness… well, maybe a bit. I'd got the girl after all! He represented what could happen to me one day when someone, some wonderful man who kept his promises and was everything you wanted and deserved came along and swept you off your feet in a way I could only dream about. That tore me apart. That one day I could be Mickey the Idiot. So thank you for never putting me through that, Rose, for never breaking my heart._

_I've got so much to thank you for, Rose, and so much to say sorry for. I sometimes feel that you gave me everything and I never gave anything in return. Friendship is a two way street, and it feels like I just never gave enough and never earned that friendship that you gave so willingly. I'm sorry for everything I've already listed; even the things I couldn't control, I'm sorry for. I wanted the best for you, Rose, I wanted to take you places you'd never been before and show you things you'd never seen. I never meant to hurt you in any way. You deserved so much better, so much more. I should have taken you to so many more places, and now I fear I never will. _

_I'm sorry I never said all these things to you before now. I'm the Doctor, not afraid of anything. But I am, Rose, I'm afraid of so much. Most of all, I was afraid to tell you any of this. I was too afraid to sit you down and hold you tightly and tell you everything about myself, who I was, where I come from, why I do all of this. How I feel about you. I was afraid you'd reject me, afraid it would all be too much for you. You're young and deserve your freedom, and I want you to have that. I want you to have the best life, doing exactly what you want and being who you want to be, not someone's plus-one, hanging on for dear life. You mean far too much to me for that._

_I'm scared that my feelings for you could hurt not only you, and not only me, but everyone in the universe. Time Lords aren't supposed to do things like this, aren't supposed to feel things like this. We're supposed to be the rational beings who control things and make sure everybody's safe. I can't do that with you around. Because when I'm with you, you're the only thing that's on my mind. I risked everyone's lives out in Utah to save yours. I sent you away from the Gamestation to save you, and risked the whole world's lives instead. The only person I want to save, Rose, is you. And that's dangerous for a Time Lord._

_I'm afraid of you getting hurt irreparably. You know what I mean. I'm scared that one day I'll put you in a situation where I can't help you, where no one can help you. To see you be injured… I couldn't bear it. And to know that I'd caused it would kill me. I'd never forgive myself. It's selfish but I don't think I could take it if I lost someone else that I loved. Because I do, Rose. I love you so much._

_I loved you since I met you and I've never stopped. I love you in all your moods, when you're excited and happy, or when you're angry and upset, or when you're tired or afraid. I love every inch of you from your dark unbleached roots to you chipped toenails. I love the untidy way you sleep and the way you eat chips. I love how you take everything in your stride and you're never afraid to try something new. I love the way you cope with life with me. I love how you care about everyone, from your mum and Mickey, to the Darleks and Adam. I love how you can't ever resist buying yet another pair of shoes, and how you insist on making me comment on them even though I don't have an opinion of any worth when it comes to things like that. I love everything about you, Rose, the good and bad, because they all make you who you are. I know that this is all too late, all far far too late, but if I never tell you how I feel I know I'll have made yet another mistake. I love you, Rose Tyler, and I always always will. _

_I know you'll wonder why I've done this even after you've finished reading this letter. I just want you to know that it isn't your fault. It isn't because of anything you've done. You've only ever done the right thing. It's because of me that this has to happen, and it's probably yet another mistake, but it seems like the right thing. I've had you for longer than anyone ever should. You'll never leave unless I do this, and I want you safe, Rose, I want you to be happy and live the life you're supposed to have. No matter how much I love you, I can't give you what you need and want and deserve. I'll only ever be what I am now. So that's why I'm doing this. I don't want an argument, I don't want to say goodbye. So this is why I'm being a coward now._

_Without me to hold you back and drag you away from your real life, I want you to do everything you ever wanted. I want you to go to university if you want to, or get your dream job. I want you to fall in love with a man who can give you everything you want and need, and I want you to live everyday like it's your last. I don't want you to waste time thinking about me or this life. I don't ever want you to think that it's your fault that this has happened. I want you to forget about me as well as you can, and if you ever think of me, I just want you to remember that I will always love you, that I will never stop because I can't. I'll love you wherever I am in the universe or time. I'll love you no matter what you do with your life or how you look when you're eighty. I'll love you until my last regeneration draws his dying breath, and I hope even after that I'll love you._

_You've been my best friend, Rose Tyler, the best companion a Time Lord could ever had. I want you to know that and I want you to remember that every time any one dares to criticise you. You're the most wonderful person in the world to me. You deserve everything. _

_I hate goodbyes, but I know it's time. Goodbye, Rose, stay the way you are because you're perfect in every way. There's nothing left for me to say but, as one very wise man once said, have a good life. Do that for me, Rose. Have a fantastic life._

_Yours forever,_

_The Doctor._

Rose let out a long breath as she folded the paper back up, as ink ran down the page. Her hands trembled as she turned her head into the pillow and sobbed silently.

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**Lyrics from "I guess that's why they call it the blues" by Elton John... if you've never listened to it, you should! It's such a lovely song.**


	7. Show me the meaning of being lonely

**Thank you so so much for the reviews! It sounds very sick to say I'm glad I made some of you cry with the last chapter but you know what I mean! This is a VERY long chapter, I have no idea how it got this long. And just to defend Holly a bit... please don't condemn her until you've read this chapter... I actually became very fond of her... I might even use her again in the future. Btw, three more chapters left after this one...

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"__****How can it be me you're asking me to feel the things you never showed?"**

The Doctor sat on the floor in the control room, staring into space. It was nearly nine o'clock. By now, he was sure Rose would have read the letter finally. The letter he'd intended her to read a year ago. When he thought it all over again, he had to admit that the whole thing had been a huge mistake, just like he'd suspected in the first place. He should have said all that he wanted to say to her face, all that time ago, rather than hiding it away like a guilty secret. Like a schoolboy. He was such an idiot. Rose had lived the last year believing a lie. How he wished he could erase the last year, begin all over again. _You can. You've got the TARDIS_. He ignored the devil in his mind. That would be wrong. That wasn't what the TARDIS was for.

The last twenty-four hours had been stressful. Well, that was an understatement. He'd just had his whole world turned upside down. He wasn't sure what had affected him the most. Seeing Rose again had been both wonderful and painful. She was the same girl he remembered. The moment he'd set eyes on her again, all those feelings had rushed back up to the surface and threatened to spill over and out. And yet at the same time, he found himself instantly seeing how she'd changed. Something inside her had collapsed and fallen in. She was the same on the outside, the same mannerisms, the same shape, the same voice. But she was just a shell, just going through the motions. She was hurting deep down inside like never before. And he'd done that to her. After all the times he'd vowed he'd never hurt her, would never let anything touch her. He'd sent her away to save her from pain and all he'd succeeded in doing was breaking her heart. What an idiot.

Then there was Tala. His daughter. He didn't even know how to start explaining that to himself. He'd thought it was impossible, that he could never be a father, and certainly not the father of a human child. Not possible. And yet there she was, a living breathing child, part of him and part of Rose. He wished he could understand what had happened when he saw her. As soon as Rose had mentioned their daughter, a million and one thoughts had crowded his head. Denials and protestations that this was a crazy idea. A thousand questions about how this had happened. Questions about who she was, what she was like. And then the feelings had kicked in. They'd all crowded in so much that, for a moment, he'd felt as weak as he did after he'd regenerated. He'd needed to hold onto something concrete and catch his breath. Even then, he'd found it hard to speak because he just didn't know what to say. And that was unusual for him.

Then he'd seen her and it was like he'd expected it. His brain had accepted it all suddenly, and it was though he'd known something. It felt like something had just slotted into place and that he could see the full picture. It was like putting on a pair of glasses and suddenly seeing the world for the first time. Seeing it properly and how it really was.

Footsteps down the corridor made him look up from his reverie. Holly was padding down softly in her beloved polar bear slippers. Her long hair was tied back in a pony tail, which swang merrily as she walked. She had her nose buried in a book and she was taken aback when she saw him there.

"Oh, I didn't know you were back," she said. She let her book drop. She was readingCasanova's _The Story of My Life_. A far cry from the bestsellers that Rose had tried – and usually failed – to read. She blinked several times and laughed self-consciously. "Ow. That'll teach me to try and read without my glasses on. Anyway, where've you been all day?" She glanced at the watch around her wrist. "You've been gone _hours!_" she exclaimed suddenly.

Holly was lovely, but a bit absent minded at times, especially when she had her nose in a book. He nodded. "I was busy."

"So? How did it go?"

"How did what go?"

Holly rolled her eyes expressively. "Dinner! With Rose!" When the Doctor looked up at her abruptly she grinned. "Oh come on, Doctor, give me some credit! You've been talking about a girl who travelled with you ever since I met you, you've never stopped."

"But I never said what her name was…"

"It doesn't take a genius to work it out!" Holly laughed. "The look on your face when you saw her… the look on her's… Rose is the girl you talk about, isn't she?"

The Doctor hesitated before nodding slowly.

"So? What happened?" Holly asked, sitting down next to him.

The Doctor shrugged.

"Oh come on!" Holly put a hand companionably on his knee and pushed him over playfully. "Since when have you been at a loss for words? You never stop normally!"

He took a deep breath. "I met my daughter."

Holly took her hand abruptly off his knee. She blinked several times, her dark eyelashes moving quickly. She looked away. He could virtually see her brain ticking over, sorting things out carefully and logically. He'd told Rose how alike she and Holly were but he'd forgotten how different they were too. Seeing Rose had made him completely forget about Holly's own personal quirks. Her logical mind was one of her best traits. Whilst Rose acted on instinct, often jumping in with both feet and then regretting it later, Holly would turn things over in her mind, seeing things from every angle and working out the best way forward. He was almost certain that, if Holly had been with him up on the Gamestation and he'd sent her away, then he would have died up there. Holly would have considered all the options and decided that he was probably right; things were hopeless. He wasn't sure which was the better option. At least Holly obeyed orders. In fact, sometimes, she even managed not to wander off.

Finally she spoke. "Oh. Right." There was a long pause. That was another thing; Holly was a lot more articulate than Rose, always choosing exactly the right words for the occasion rather than just blurting out the first thing that came into her head. If she went quiet like this, she must be searching for words. He let her continue struggling. He had nothing to say anyway.

"Is that even possible?" she said eventually, her usually flawless face crinkled up in a deep frown. "I mean, you're Galifreyan and she's human… isn't that sort of against the laws of nature?" She was blushing slightly as she spoke, her pale skin turning a nice shade of pink. She was pretty, he thought. Very pretty. Probably prettier than Rose if you only looked at the surface. It was just a shame he couldn't transfer some of his affections for Rose onto Holly.

He was glad Holly had asked that question. He'd been wondering that too. He thought he'd solved the problem, but he'd always found that sharing things with Holly was a good move. She was probably the most intelligent companion he'd ever had. She could no doubt help shed some light on the matter.

"I'd have thought that too," he agreed. "But I suppose me being half-human and all…"

"What?" Holly stared at him incredulously. "Since when?" She looked annoyed, like he'd deliberately lied to her. He felt a stab of guilt at upsetting someone yet again.

"Oh, since…. Forever," he said airily. "I suppose I always knew it was possible, but still…" He ran a hand through his hair. "She's three months old. Her name's Tala."

"She called her daughter Wolf?" Holly exclaimed.

"How did you…?" The Doctor looked at her frowning.

"I'm doing a course in Native American studies," Holly reminded him. Part of her was annoyed that he didn't remember even that much about her, but she let it go. "We've studied the meanings of names."

"Oh. Of course." He wondered if he ought to explain the whole Bad Wolf thing to Holly. Out of everything he'd told her (and he'd told her a lot since he'd brought her on board), he'd somehow neglected to mention how Rose had saved his life and almost destroyed her own in the process. He didn't know why. He supposed it was because that moment had been the turning point. It was when he started believing what his hearts were telling him; that he loved her and that he'd do anything to save her.

"It's a nice enough name," Holly said thoughtfully. "But I mean, _wolf_. It's hardly what you'd like your daughter to be thought of, is it?" She shook her head, wrinkling up her nose delicately. "No, I think that's a really odd choice." A second thought struck her. "What did you say her second name was?"

"Who, Rose? Tyler."

Holly almost fell off the step they were sitting on in horror. "Tala _Tyler_? Oh please no, you must be kidding me? I thought you said Rose was a nice girl! How cruel is she being to that poor child! Wolf Tyler? _Tala Tyler_? And I thought my parents hated me!"

"Holly's a nice name!"

"I'm named after a bush!" Holly cried. "I'm named after a prickly bush with poisonous berries that everyone forgets about until about December the twelfth when they cram it into every corner of the house! Try saying that's a nice name when you find yourself surrounded by fifteen seven-year-olds in the school playground, all chanting _The Holly and the Ivy_!" The outburst was unusual for her and she looked down at her hands self-consciously when she'd finished.

The Doctor looked at her. "I never knew you felt like that about your name."

"Yeah, well. You never asked." Holly shrugged. "It doesn't matter. But what about Rose?"

He sighed heavily. "Oh, it's all such a mess, Holls," he said wearily. "She never got that letter I wrote her."

Holly gasped. "You mean the one where you told her how much you loved her and why you were leaving her behind and how you never meant to hurt her? But why not?" After a perplexed look from him, she added, "You've deprived me of all my daytime soaps since I came on board; I have to find some excitement _somewhere_. So how comes she didn't get it?"

He shrugged. "She never opened her diary since she came back. Just left it under the bed. I don't know why, she said it… it hurt too much." He shook his head. "I knew it was a stupid idea. She's hated me for the last year for what I did. I don't blame her, I hate myself."

"Doctor!" Holly started to protest but he continued regardless.

"I should have had the guts to tell her what I was feeling without writing some stupid adolescent love letter." He sighed again and put his head in his hands.

Holly hesitated. She couldn't help a small smile spreading across her face. "You… you didn't write any poetry in it, did it?" she asked, giggles threatening to overtake her.

"No!" He lifted his head from his hands and looked at her. "What do you think I am, Holly, some kind of sad idiot who…" He tailed off as he saw the look of glee come over her face. "Oh, shut up!" He slapped her leg playfully as Holly burst into fits of giggles. That was another difference; Rose tended to guffaw with laughter whilst Holly had little girly giggles that were incredibly infectious. It felt quite nice to be able to laugh after the stress and trauma of the last few hours.

Finally Holly regained herself enough to speak again. She wiped away mascara tears carefully. "So… what now?"

"What do you mean, what now?"

"Well, you've got a daughter you didn't know about. Rose never knew about the letter. What happens next?"

The Doctor's shoulders slumped again as he remembered why they were sitting on the TARDIS floor. "I don't know. I want to do the right thing but I don't know what that is anymore." He looked to his friend. "What would you do?"

Holly had been chewing on her necklace thoughtfully. It was an interesting necklace, the Doctor had always thought; a fine silver chain with a locket, which had some sort of inscription on it. He'd never studied it enough to know exactly what it said, and he'd never asked. Maybe one day he should… As he spoke, she let the chain fall from her mouth. She looked taken aback.

"Me?" she squeaked in tones very different from her usual calm and soothing voice. Holly had a lovely voice usually; if he was feeling especially poetical, he'd describe it as caramel-like, rich and warm and sweet. Another contrast between her and Rose.

"What would I do?" She tried to regain her composure. "Um, I really don't know…" She put her head on one side, but she wasn't thinking. Her face wasn't calm enough for that, her lips were trembling noticeably and her eyelashes were rapidly fluttering. "I'd… I'd probably do whatever Rose wanted me to," she said finally, and she almost breathed a sigh of relief that it was over.

"Okay. So if you were Rose, what would you want me to do?"

Her pupils widened for a split second but he saw it. A deer caught in headlights. She moved a tiny way away from him, thinking he wouldn't notice. But of course he would. She pulled her hair band out and let her long dark hair cascade down over her shoulders. A sure sign she was nervous, playing with her hair. He hadn't seen her nervous that often; she was usually so poised and together. He wasn't sure exactly how she'd gained that elegance, that calm detachedness from all difficult situations. He'd never asked. Maybe he should one day…

"If I was Rose," she said thoughtfully, running her right hand through the whole length of her hair. She shook it back, stalling for time. "That's a tough one. If I was Rose, I'd…" She hesitated. "If I was Rose I'd want you to take me in your arms and tell me that everything in the letter is still true. I'd want you to tell me everything will be alright. I'd want you to be the best father in the world to my little girl and take care of us both. I'd want you to love me." She seemed surprised to have said all of that and stood up awkwardly, as if coming out of a dream.

The Doctor was impressed. "That's good. That's really good. When did you get so good at that kind of thing? Are you doing a course in psychology too?"

Holly smiled, but it didn't really meet her eyes. Her grey eyes always looked sad to most people, but they looked painfully distressed now. "No. I think I just know how Rose feels."

He frowned. "How do you mean?"

Holly bit her lip before continuing. It was the first time he'd ever seen her really taken aback or hesitant in anyway. She looked much younger than usual suddenly, like some sort of anxious confused teenager. She was usually so much more mature than her eighteen years. When she spoke, her voice had a catch in it, breaking through the usually creamy tones; a bitterness and restrained anger.

"I never had a chance, did I, Doctor?" she said softly. "Not while you still kept her room like a shrine to her, not even letting me see it once in case I disturbed anything. I'll never be able to compete with her, will I?"

The Doctor rose to his feet. Both hearts were beating, like a military tattoo, or a samba… so fast he could have danced to it if he'd been that way inclined. What was Holly saying? _Like you don't already know…_

"No, it's fine." Holly held out a hand, like she could stop him coming any further like that. "I'm fine. I've had to be. Because you're in love with Rose. I get it." She backed away slowly. "It's not your fault. I just need some time." She turned round, her long hair spinning as she did. She walked away down the corridor, her back still straight as a poker and her shoulders firmly back.

"Holly! Holly, wait!" he called after her. She didn't even flinch. He turned around, one hand automatically moving to his pocket and the other rubbing the back of his head. He sighed. "Oh, Holly, you've even left your book," he said sadly to himself, picking it up. She was nearly finished with it. He looked at the front cover. There he was, Giacomo Casanova himself.

"I suppose you had this kind of thing happen to you all the time," he sighed heavily. He sat back down. This was a huge mess. A huge huge mess. One he should have seen coming. How could you be the Doctor, a Time Lord, possessing infinite knowledge and not be aware that a young attractive girl in your spaceship was falling for you? How could you not notice _twice? _Maybe he really was getting old.

He genuinely hadn't noticed anything going on with Holly. She had been in the wrong place at the wrong time when he'd had to save the world yet again. And there she was, wandering alone along the streets of Oxford. Something about her had caught his attention. She was pretty, he'd even go so far to say beautiful, but there were a lot of women like that in the world, in the universe. No, it was something else. It was the way she walked so calmly, the way she held her head. There was an intelligent air about her, as she looked around at the scenes of destruction around her; there was fear, of course, but she was overcoming that fear and thinking things through. And when he looked directly into her eyes he saw something that he needed: a friend. For some reason he'd found Holly easy to talk to. He'd told her everything, about Rose and the mistakes he'd made. After nine months just spinning through space, alone and lonely, he needed some company to rescue him from his thoughts. He'd never seen Holly as anything more than a friend, a best friend to chase away the demons in his mind. Now he found she'd seen him as more, something so much more. How could he have been expected to know that?

Not that he'd ever realized with Rose either. He'd suspected. The odd remark here and there. Saving his life. But he'd never known until that one night when they'd found comfort in each other… the night before he sent her away.

"Oh Rose," he said softly, looking into the vortex. "What have I done?"

* * *

Rose pushed the pushchair along the bumpy cobbles. Trust him to park the TARDIS in one of the most inaccessible places in London, she thought grimly, as she negotiated a large pot hole. There it was, the familiar blue box. She looked a bit worn around the ages, Rose thought, as she looked at her. He wasn't taking very good care of her either.

Rose glanced down at her outfit. It was the first day the sun had shone in weeks and she was already hot in her jeans and t-shirt, but she hadn't bought any new clothes in months. At least her hair was freshly washed, and she'd covered up her puffy eyes with some of her mum's much appreciated eye cream. She almost looked human, she decided.

She'd re-read the letter five times over night. Each time she'd cried more. She wasn't sure what upset her most. He'd wasted so much time, they both had, in never declaring their feelings for each other. If only she'd opened that stupid diary months ago. But what was upsetting her most was the realization that she'd done it; after all that talk, she'd let him back in again and had fallen for him just like before.

She was about to knock on the door of the TARDIS when she saw someone running towards her. Instinctively she prepared to run. She was amazed by her reflexes; some habits really did die hard. As the figure neared she realized that she was wearing a pair of jogging bottoms and a vest top. Her brown hair was tied back in a high pony tail and she had an mp3 player on. As she got closer still, Rose felt a jolt of recognition. It was the girl who had been in her living room three nights ago. Holly.

Holly noticed her finally and slowed down. She took her earphones out and switched the mp3 player off. Not before Rose heard a blast of The Vengaboys… he was right, she did have appalling taste in music.

"Hi." Holly spoke first. She hesitated before sticking her hand out. "I'm Holly."

"Yeah, I remember," Rose accepted her hand. It was perfectly manicured. She tried not to begrudge her that. "Rose."

"I know." Holly nodded. She caught sight of the pushchair. "And this must be Tala!" She crouched down to look at her. "Oh, she's lovely! Got her daddy's eyes, hasn't she?"

Rose was a little taken aback. "He told you…?"

Holly stood up. "Yeah. He mentioned it…" She bit her lip. "He just needed someone to talk to, Rose, a friend," she blurted out to her own surprise. She never blurted things out normally. She recollected her thoughts for a moment. "Would you like to come in?" she offered, opening the door on the TARDIS. "I'm sure the Doctor's around somewhere. Probably doing his…"

"Exercises," Rose completed the sentence for her. She smiled at the other girl. "Does he still start the day with the Boo Radleys?"

Holly laughed and rolled her eyes. "Every morning! Why do you think I go for a run?"

Once in the control room, Holly wandered over to one of the corridors. Rose recognized it as the one the Doctor's bedroom was down.

"Doctor?" Holly called. They could hear faint strains of music coming down the hall. Holly shook her head, smiling. "I take it he's still tied up then." She decided to play hostess. "Sit down if you like. I can get you a chair…"

"No, it's fine," Rose insisted. Tala was fast asleep. Leaving the pushchair, Rose looked around. "It's still the same," she remarked. "Since I left, I mean. He hasn't changed much."

"Really?" Holly said lightly. She leaned casually on the control panel. "He's always tinkering around with something or other. I suppose the exterior might not have changed though." She stretched. "It's nice the sun's out now, isn't it? Has it been raining a lot lately?"

Rose nodded. "Quite a bit." She noticed the girl's tan again as Holly stretched. "Have you been somewhere nice?"

"What? Oh just this planet place." Holly shrugged. "It was nice."

Rose didn't want to appear too desperate for information. She nodded as she ran her finger along the control panel. "Oh right. Must be nice to get away from… where is it you come from? Oxford?"

Holly smiled. "Sort of. I go to university there. Or I did. I haven't really decided yet."

"Oh I see." Rose smiled as pleasantly as she could back. "So where's home then?"

Holly's smile froze onto her face. She shrugged and forced a laugh. "Oh you know. Anyway, I'll just see if the Doctor's ready yet." She headed down the corridor. Rose noted her upright posture.

The control room. It still looked the same and smelt the same. She walked round the central panel, looking at the vortex. That, of course, never looked the same, but there was something familiar about the colours and patterns it made. That vortex was proof that something beautiful could kill you, Rose thought, as she looked at it, entranced by the movements it made. She was still hazy about that time up on the Gamestation. She was fairly sure what she'd done hadn't been good; she'd felt pretty rough for a few days. The Doctor had said that she'd looked into the time vortex and that he'd taken it out of her. But he'd never explained how. As she looked at it now, she wished she could tap into that part of her memory.

"Rose!" She jumped as that familiar voice greeted her from behind. She turned round quickly, forcing a smile on her face. Holly was behind him, but she slipped away silently, a look of sadness on her face.

"Hi," Rose greeted him. "I was just looking at…"

"The vortex." He nodded. "What do you think of the changes?" He gestured around the room.

Rose looked around, wondering if he'd painting some upper area of the room. No, nothing. She turned to look at him again, raising her eyebrows expectantly.

"Oh come on!" he said, looking disappointed. "I've upgraded the spatio-temporal cylinder and replaced the hyper-metric lever and…" He tailed off. "You're not interested, are you?"

"Not in the slightest." Rose shook her head. "Is Holly interested in this kind of thing?"

"What? Oh. Holly." He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I don't know really, I've never asked."

A silence fell, broken only by the humming of the TARDIS and, far away in the recesses of the ship, the sound of _Because we want to_. The Doctor winced.

"I said she had bad taste in music."

Rose bit her lip before blurting out what she had to say. "I read the letter."

The Doctor had been expecting it and yet he was still surprised when it came. "Oh. Oh right."

"Yeah. Five times actually."

"Five? Oh it wasn't that good!" He tried to make a joke about it. "Just some stupid ramblings of a tired Time Lord. I should have ripped it up really."

Rose was momentarily taken aback. "Oh. I see. So you didn't mean those things then?"

"What things?" He faked ignorance.

"Oh, just you know." Rose shrugged. She was embarrassed now. What if it really had all meant nothing to him? After all, he'd only said he'd written a letter. Maybe he'd only written it all to be nice to her, make her feel better. But that would surely mean he cared for her…? Her head hurt from turning it over and over in her mind. She just wanted to know.

"No, I can't remember really," the Doctor insisted. "Which bits are you on about?"

Rose looked down at the floor. "Well, you know, the bits where you said it wasn't my fault, and that… that you love me." The last few words were mumbled. She shook her head briskly. "But it doesn't matter, you know…"

"Would you like them to be true?"

It was said so suddenly that Rose didn't have time to think up a lie. More to the point, she didn't want to.

Without hesitation she answered, "Yes."

They met each others eyes for the first time. Both were shiny and glassy with tears.

"Really?" The Doctor's voice was soft and almost hoarse.

Rose nodded.

He moved towards her. "Rose, I'm so so sorry for what I did. That letter, every word, I meant it. I still do. You, Rose Tyler, you're everything to me." He reached out to touch her and they found themselves suddenly in each other's arms.

"I'm so glad I found you again," the Doctor said into her t-shirt, damp with his tears. "I've been so unhappy, Rose. Like you wouldn't believe."

"I've hardly been delirious." Rose half-laughed, half-cried into his jacket. She lifted her head off his shoulder, and rubbed the wet patch on the suit. "I thought you hated me."

"I could never hate you, Rose," he said softly, tracing the outline of her face with a finger. "How could I after everything you've given me? You made me feel at home for the first time in my life. I don't ever want to lose you again."

"You're the one who misplaced me," she pointed out, smiling gently. She touched her nose against his. "We've wasted so much time."

"Not any more."

* * *

"So how's this going to work exactly?"

Holly spoke after a long deliberation, lying on the Doctor's bed as he tried out a million different hair styles.

"What do you mean?" he asked, as he messed it all up again, grimacing. "You know, my hair looks a lot better untidy, I really wish she'd accept that!"

"Well, you and Rose." Holly chose her words carefully. "You're going round to her mum's now to what, ask for her hand in marriage?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the Doctor. "No! Marriage?" He looked horrified. "I'm just going round to spend some time with Tala!"

"So you're not marrying Rose?"

"No!"

"Not ever?"

"Well, not in the foreseeable future!" He looked harassed and fiddled with his collar awkwardly. "Why all the questions anyway?"

"I'm just wondering if you've thought this through!" Holly insisted. "Does Rose know how you feel about marriage?"

"I don't know, probably not!" The Doctor looked annoyed. "We've only just realized how the other one feels, give us some time!"

"But don't you think she should know?"

"Holly, what is this?" He turned to face her. "What's wrong with you tonight?"

"Nothing." Holly looked down at the blue pinstripe duvet cover and traced the lines with a finger. "I just…"  
"You just what?"

"Well, after tonight, what happens? Are you and Rose going to get a nice semi-detatched house in the suburbs and live happily ever after with Tala and two dogs?"

The Doctor shrugged, frowning. "I don't know. I hope not."

"Why do you hope not?"

"Well, I've never really seen myself as _settling_ anywhere if you know what I mean." The Doctor pondered the suggestion. "This is kind of my life. Doing this." He gestured at the TARDIS in general.

Holly had suspected as much. In a soft voice she said, "And what about Rose?"

The Doctor frowned. "Well, she can come too. She knows how much this life means to me, she loves it too. She'll fit right into it again."

"And Tala?"

With those two words, the Doctor felt a rushing in his ears as he realized what Holly was getting at. She was a very intelligent girl; she'd figured it all out before he had. Tala. His daughter. The only family he had left in the world. The last remaining drop (apart from him of course) of Gallifreyan blood in the universe. The galaxy. All the galaxies put together. Tala was it, she was the final one. That tiny baby. How could he take her out into the world, and keep living the life he did? How could he put her in danger day in and day out?

He met Holly's eyes slowly. She saw the recognition in his and slipped off the bed slowly. She reached his bedroom door and paused.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," she said softly. "I just thought you ought to know."

* * *

**Lyrics from Backstreet Boys' "Show me the meaning of being lonely". And no, I don't think liking Billie shows that Holly has bad taste in music AT ALL!**


	8. Goodbye my lover

**Thanks again for all the reviews! I've been trying to update for days, but was having a fight with the documents manager! This was originally going to be the ending, but then there were certain facts and scenes I wanted to include so I wrote two more chapters. Plus, I couldn't let the Doctor and Rose end like _this!__

* * *

_ **

"_**Did I disappoint you, or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty, or let the judges frown? Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won."**_

_I can see everything... all that is... all that was... all that ever could be._ And yet he hadn't seen this coming. Or maybe he had, and he'd chosen to block it out. How else could he explain the feeling he'd had when he first set eyes on Tala? Like he'd been incomplete until that moment, searching for the missing piece that he had no idea had existed. How else could he explain the inevitability of the situation as he closed the TARDIS doors behind him? He shut his eyes and felt part of himself crash down inside him. Still, he had two hearts. One broken one wouldn't make much difference. Nothing would anymore.

"How did she take it?"

He looked over to see Holly sitting on the floor, her book cast aside. She'd finished Casanova and moved onto reading a play he'd never even heard of, called _Lobby Hero. _She pulled her glasses off and put them carefully on the ground. Holly. His friend. All he had left now. He resisted the urge to run to her and be comforted.

"Not well."

Holly nodded as she hugged her knees to herself. "I take it she's not coming then."

He shook his head heavily.

Holly nodded again. "But you can visit right? I mean, Tala still needs her daddy…" From the look on his face she guessed she'd said the wrong thing.

"Rose said she'd rather I didn't," he said slowly. "That it would only confuse Tala. She said she'll explain to her one day, make her see it wasn't my fault."

Holly frowned. "She can't do that, you've got rights."

"Says who?" The Doctor was utterly resigned to his fate. "I don't exist officially on this planet. No court would ever take up the case. Anyway, Rose is probably right. Tala deserves better."

"Don't say that…" Holly began to try and comfort him, but he interrupted her.

"Holly, just please stop trying to make me feel better!" he snapped unintentionally. "I'm a rubbish father! What kind of father would give someone the ultimatum to either live in one place with her daughter or in another without her? I was willing to leave Tala behind-"

"For her own good!"

"- Just so I could have Rose," the Doctor finished. "Fathers don't do that."

There was a long pause.

"So this is it then?" Holly ventured finally.

"Yes. This is it." The Doctor nodded. He let out a long sigh. "Rose is going to come round and collect the last of her stuff tomorrow. Could you…?"

"Sure." Holly nodded. "You sure you don't want to talk to her though? Say goodbye?"

"There's nothing left to say." Holly's heart ached to see the Doctor, _her_ Doctor, so crushed. He was usually so full of life. Even in the last three months, even when he'd been grieving for the loss of Rose the first time, he'd still had a spark, some life force inside of him which had captivated her attention from the moment she'd seen him. Now there was nothing; when she looked into his eyes, the rich colour was fading

"I'm going to my room for a bit, Holly. You'll be okay, won't you?"

"Of course." Holly nodded. "If you need anything…" He didn't reply. Holly tried to feel pleased. She had the Doctor to herself again. But what kind of doctor was he now?

* * *

The Doctor lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. It was over. What did he expect? Rose, his beautiful, wonderful, kind Rose, had been forced to choose between him and her daughter. What kind of mother would have abandoned her own child? He'd have thought less of Rose if she had come with him, leaving their tiny child behind.

Still, it was strange to think he'd never see her again. Even when he'd left her last time, he'd known that it was possible to see her again. Now it was final; Rose didn't want to see him again, didn't want him "coming around here, messing my life up all over again". He closed his eyes in pain as he remembered how she'd reacted.

She'd been so happy to see him, like the old Rose again. Her eyes had sparkled and her laughter had sounded from every corner of the flat. He hated doing this to her again. This was how Rose should be, how she deserved to be. Forever happy, forever laughing. He'd caused her too many tears. Maybe she was better off without him.

Her face had fallen as soon as he'd mentioned their options. She'd taken a few seconds to gather her thoughts. Then she'd started shaking her head, insisting there was another way.

_"Tala won't be any trouble! She'll be fine! She doesn't need looking after, I don't need looking after! We'll be fine! Please! Please Doctor!"_

He wished he could make her understand. He'd failed to protect his family once before; he couldn't bear to fail again. Tala was so much safer here, away from him. Rose was much safer on her own.

So this was it. Done. Over. Finished. Complete. This was the beginning of his new life. How many times had he been through this, he wondered. Leaving someone he loved behind, someone he wanted to look after more than anything in the world. His life had been a continual hello-goodbye process. Nothing was static, nothing was boring; it never stayed still long enough to be boring. But nothing was safe, there was nothing he could hold onto and take stock for a few seconds. When you can feel the earth moving, it's very hard to stay still and concentrate on yourself. He should do that more often.

So a new life without Rose. That was fine. He still had the TARDIS. He still had Holly. Holly, his friend, his confidante. The one who would stick by him through anything. _Like Rose…_ No, not like Rose. He wasn't going to mess things up like he had with Rose. He wasn't going to let go of himself enough to risk hurting them both all over again. He wouldn't leave Holly behind anywhere. Holly was his chance to make things right. He owed her that much.

* * *

"_**You touched my heart, you touched my soul, you changed my life and all my goals."**_

Rose had never thought she could feel worse than when the TARDIS went away that time. The feelings had overtaken her: disbelief, hurt, grief, anger. She'd never thought that anything could feel worse than that. She hadn't expected this. As the Doctor walked out of the door, all those feelings came rushing back, bigger and even more painful than before.

She'd stood in the hallway, trembling, unable to gain control of her nerves. She found herself murmuring.

"Turn around. Turn around," she willed him, praying the door would open again. But it didn't.

It was a joke. She couldn't believe it was happening again. And this time it was her fault, all her fault. She'd chosen this. But what he expected? That she could just cast aside Tala, put her hand in his and let him take her away from her family all over again. Tala was her world, she'd had to be; he'd left her all alone. She couldn't just abandon her daughter like… _Like he abandoned me._

Jackie had come into the hallway of the flat.

"I thought I heard the door go," she said, looking around. Rose didn't know if she expected the Doctor to be hiding somewhere. Mind you, that wouldn't be entirely unexpected… he was a strange one.

"Yeah." Rose forced the words out. "Yeah, he's… gone, Mum."

"Gone where?" Trust Jackie not to get the catch in her daughter's voice.

"He's just gone," Rose repeated quietly. "He won't be coming back." She turned round and pushed past her mum, making her way into the living room where Tala was in her cot. At least she was the consolation prize, an amazing consolation prize. Rose picked her up and looked at her daughter. How could he have ever thought she'd leave her behind? Just the thought of it made her hold onto her tighter.

"What? Why?" Jackie followed her daughter back in. "Rose, you're not making much sense."

_I never do_. Rose collected herself before continuing. She faked a smile. "He's going away without me again. It's complicated, Mum, but we won't see him again." She kissed Tala's head. "I'm just going to give madam a bath."

Jackie had followed her into the bathroom. "But Rose-"

"Mum!" Rose said more sharply than she meant to. "Please. I don't want to talk about it. He's gone, he's not coming back, end of story. I need to bath my daughter."

As he'd left he'd repeated that sentiment again. _Have a fantastic life_. She'd wanted to scream at him _HOW?_ How could she have a fantastic life without him by her side? Her definition of fantastic had changed since she'd met him all that time ago. Fantastic no longer meant settling for a flat on the Powell Estate. She wanted so much more now, she'd been promised so much more. He'd raised the bar for what fantastic meant. How could anything ever compare to what he'd shown her?

She loved Tala. She did. But she wondered if this was to be her life now. Was she supposed to stay here, look after Tala, watch her grow up to look and behave more like her father everyday? Was she supposed to sit her daughter down when she was seven or eight or nine and tell her all about this wonderful man who had changed her mum's life but who had had to go away because he couldn't be a father? Would she have to watch as her daughter made the same mistakes she had, getting her heart broken time after time? And would she finally have to watch Tala leave home for a new life, without her? Once upon a time, it was all she'd expected to happen. Watching her mum, it was all she knew. Then she'd met him and he'd shown her there were other ways to live her life. She could help people, she could change lives, she could save the world. Her, Rose Tyler, daughter of Jackie and Pete (deceased) from the Powell Estate, she could do something bigger. He'd shown her what was possible and more… he'd shown her that she deserved something more. Now she was sentenced to a lifetime of being the old Rose. And it was all her fault.

The first time he'd left her had been bad enough. But there was still a tiny part of her that had believed he could come back, that he would never really forget her totally. She'd dreamt about the moment she'd see him again, imagined what she would say. This time there was no hope, no wishing. It was over.

* * *

Holly felt she ought to say something as she let Rose into the room. It had surprised her that the door had opened, but the TARDIS obviously recognized Rose. Maybe the old machine was even nice to Rose when she was on board; God only knew the cruel tricks it played on Holly sometimes.

"That's a lot of stuff," Holly remarked now, looking round. The room looked like a museum. No, it was far too untidy for that. Museums were orderly and structured and labeled. This room was covered in bits and pieces. It was strangely cool compared to the rest of the TARDIS, like it had been frozen or something. Things were just lying on the floor, as if they'd just been dropped and left. And the bedclothes were still folded back messily as if someone had just got out of bed…There was sharp intake of breath from Rose. Holly turned to look at her.

"It's the same," she said softly and hesitantly, her hand resting lightly on her mouth. "It's… just the same, just like it was when I left that morning…" She picked up a pair of jeans off the floor. "I was going to wear them until I saw how hot it was out there." She took some more steps into the room, looking around. Finally, she turned back round to face Holly again. "He's never touched a thing, has he? He's… he's kept it as it was."

Holly shrugged unhelpfully. Then she noticed the apple core in the bin. It was only just turning brown, like it had been in there a few minutes rather than over a year. "Impossible…" she muttered, taking a closer look.

"What is?" Rose demanded.

"This." Holly picked the apple core up, not really thinking what she was doing. "It's…"

"It's the apple I had for breakfast." That last morning on the TARDIS had all come rushing back to Rose the second she'd set foot in the room. They'd run out of bread and cornflakes on board. She was going to go shopping to restock while they were here. All she'd found to eat was an apple. She looked at the core being held daintily by Holly between her thumb and forefinger. "But shouldn't that have decomposed by now?"

Holly nodded. "Yes… unless…" She dropped the apple core amongst the debris on the floor and headed back out to the control room. Rose hurried after her, bewildered as the other girl began tapping at a screen.

"What are you doing?" she asked, frowning. "Should you be touching that? I mean, won't the whole universe implode or something if you touch the TARDIS?"

"He fed you that line too then." Holly rolled her eyes. "He does like to think he's god, doesn't he?" She punched a few numbers in. "It's all pretty simple really, just a case of knowing what you're doing. Anyway, this is just a sensor for what's going on on-board. Nothing to do with flying the thing, I haven't quite figured that out yet. Ah, here we are!" She had brought up a map of the TARDIS on the screen. She lightly touched the room corresponding to Rose's room. Instantly, facts and figures appeared on the screen. Rose tried to read them over Holly's shoulder but there was too much for her to get her head around. Holly, however, was flying through the page, scrolling quickly.

"Status!" she exclaimed finally, as she found what she was looking for. She tapped the word and more information came up. "Right, let's see." She pulled her glasses out of her pocket and put them on. "Room 4123b… did you know that's what it was called?" She continued without waiting for an answer. "Currently unoccupied. In use. Seal broken 14th May 2008 Earth time… oh, that's the Galifreyan date… Sealed 10th May 2007…"

"The day I left," Rose said.

Holly nodded. "Type of seal, hyper-glacial."

"What does that mean?"

"I'm not entirely sure, just hold on one second." Holly pressed a few more buttons. "Here we are… Hyper-glacial… deep-freeze. Preserves until seal is broken. God, it takes up phenomenal amounts of energy to do this. Not recommended for long term preservation. Prolonged usage can result in…"

"Result in what?" Rose tried to push Holly out of the way, but the taller girl stood her ground. "Result in what, Holly?"

"Power outage," Holly said distantly. "The TARDIS could lose all its energy and… well, die."

They met each others' eyes.

"You mean… he risked the TARDIS and… himself… to keep my room the same?" Rose was in disbelief.

"Looks like it." Holly reset the screen. She looked at her watch. "I suppose we better start packing then. I mean, that's if you want my help…"

Rose didn't reply immediately, trying to filter the facts through her mind. Finally she nodded. "Yeah. Yeah great, I could do with some help."

* * *

"**_And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be."_**

Rose sealed up the last box and placed it by the door of the TARDIS. She was wearing her oldest clothes; she'd expected to find her old room dusty. That's if it was even still her room. Part of her had expected to find all her things already stored away in some long forgotten area of the TARDIS, and that Holly would be installed in room 4123b… she wondered what had happened to 4123a… maybe that was another part of the Doctor she'd never understand.

"Is that everything then?" Holly asked, as she dumped her last box on the floor next to the others. She looked at the mountain of stuff. "How are you getting all this back to your place?" And where was Rose going to keep it when she got it there?

"Howard… my mum's boyfriend… he's got a van," Rose explained. "He's coming soon." She hoped. She didn't want to linger here unnecessarily now the chore was done. She turned to the other girl.

"Right well. I better be off then," she said as cheerily as she could manage.

"Rose, is this really the only way?" Holly spoke impulsively, surprising herself. She hadn't known she was going to say that. But it was the thing to say.

Rose nodded, biting her lip firmly. "Yeah. It's… it's the right thing to do. There's no way I can leave Tala and… this is his life. I wouldn't expect him to give it up." She blinked away tears. "It's fine, honestly."

"He's upset though."

"He'll get over it. He always has before." Rose forced a smile. "He's got you, anyway, hasn't he? You two will have such a fantastic time, he'll forget who I even am."

"He won't, he…" Holly started, but was interrupted.

"Oh. Sorry. I thought you'd gone." The Doctor had entered the room and he lingered on the other side uneasily.

"I'm just on my way." Rose took a deep breath. She heard an engine outside. "That'll be Howard now. I'll just hand these boxes out to him."

Holly looked over at him as Rose disappeared outside. "You could at least offer to help her with the boxes," she pointed out.

"She doesn't need my help."

Rose returned finally. She pasted an over-bright smile on her face. "Well, that's me off then. Where are you two off to next?"

When the Doctor didn't answer, Holly felt she had to. "Not sure. Haven't decided yet."

"Well, have fun." Rose nodded. She smiled at Holly. "Take care." To both their surprise, she hugged her. "Take care of him, yeah?" Rose whispered into her ear.

Holly nodded. "Of course."

"And if you ever need anything…" Rose let the thought dangle. Holly nodded.

As Rose turned to leave he finally spoke.

"Rose."

She turned round. "Yes?"

"We'll always have Barcelona, won't we? I won't forget that."

Rose came the nearest to breaking down she'd been all day. She smiled shakily. "I won't forget it either. Goodbye, Doctor."

"Goodbye Rose."

"_**Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me."**_

* * *

**Lyrics from "Goodbye my lover" by James Blunt... this song always makes me cry.**


	9. Alcoholic

**Thanks for the reviews again! I've added some ideas onto my profile page for stories that I'm either part way through writing, or considering writing, so if anyone would be interested in them, let me know! This chapter is a bit confusing timewise... the first section about Rose is set five years later than the last chapter, whilst the second section about the Doctor and Holly is set directly after the last chapter. I wanted them this way round because it fit the lyrics of the song and because I wanted to end the chapter like I did.

* * *

**

"_**Don't you know you've got your daddy's eyes?"**_

Rose was on the phone when the implication of the date struck her. She'd been looking for a pen to write down the appointment she was being given by the dentist.

"Hold on one second," she said, reaching for the calendar. "You're saying what date, sorry?"

"The twenty-second," the receptionist repeated for at least the third time. "At two-thirty? Will that be alright?"

"Sorry, what day are we on today?" Rose tried to think if that would be suitable. If it was a Tuesday, she'd have to beg her mum to take Tala; she worked on Tuesday afternoons, and Jackie usually picked her up from school. Her mum had a thing about dentists.

The receptionist sounded annoyed as she replied, "It's the fourteenth today, Monday the fourteenth of May. The twenty-second is a…"

Rose interrupted her. "That'll be fine, thanks," she agreed in a strangled voice, desperate to put the phone down. "Thank you." She replaced the receiver heavily, and looked at the calendar in disbelief. No way. How had it come around so soon? It _couldn't_ be the fourteenth of May, she'd have known. How could she have forgotten?

It had been five years since she'd seen him. Sometimes she could hardly believe that all that time had passed. Then she'd look in the mirror and realise that it had. She was twenty-five. Tala was five. Her darling baby girl was at school full-time.

As she walked distractedly around the flat, Rose caught sight of the dozens of photos her mum had framed on one table. There was a picture of everyone there; her dad, Tala, herself, even Mickey, even after all this time. But none of him. She picked up the most recent photo of herself and Tala. It had been Tala's fifth birthday. Her dark golden blonde hair was pulled back into two bunches and she was wearing her favourite pink party dress. She'd looked like a little princess. Rose couldn't help smiling as she remembered the amount of chocolate ice cream that girl had managed to get onto the dress, and how she'd wailed when Rose had lost her temper.

"Tala, that was very naughty!" she'd snapped, as she took the dress off her. "I said this would happen, I'd say you'd tip it if you didn't use a table! This dress is ruined, I doubt I'll be able to get it clean!"

Rose still wasn't sure if it was the fact that she was being told off, or the thought of her beloved pink dress being beyond repair that had made Tala cry the loudest. Jackie had worked wonders with it, muttering about how like mother like daughter it was and the like. Rose had taken Tala to bed and they'd made up with hugs and kisses under the duvet.

She was an unusual looking girl really, with the blonde hair and dark brown eyes. Those eyes… Rose could never get enough of looking into her daughter's eyes. They were the same colour and had the same mischevious look as the Doctor's did. She'd tried explaining that to Tala again only last week. She'd come home from school, her hand firmly in Rose's as they crossed the road, but there was none of the usual bounce in her step. Rose had been distracted as they walked home, thinking about what they had in the freezer. It was only when they were sitting down to eat that Rose noticed how quiet her daughter actually was.

"Did you have a nice day at school?" she asked, stabbing a fishfinger with her fork.

Tala shrugged.

Rose frowned. Normally she was full of it, talking about what she'd done, with whom and then what had happened. She was way ahead of everyone in her year for that kind of thing. She supposed she had to expect that the daughter of Time Lord would be pretty advanced for her age.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" she asked now, putting her knife and fork down. "Did something happen at school?"

Tala shrugged again. Rose really hoped that being part Galifreyan didn't mean that she'd turn into a teenager before she'd even started junior school.

"Tala, if something's wrong, you have to tell me," she said softly, reaching out to ruffle her daughter's hair. Tala slid off her own chair and climbed onto Rose's lap. Rose put her arms around her. "What's up, Tallybean?" she said into her hair.

"Josh said my name was funny," Tala mumbled into her mum's t-shirt.

Rose sighed inwardly. Josh Reed was fast becoming the school bully. Just like his dad before him, she thought more than a bit angrily as she remembered suffering at Luke Reed's hands back when she was at primary school.

"Oh, Tala, we've been through this before," she reminded her. "You've got a beautiful name, its special. Josh is just jealous because he wishes he had a name like yours." She couldn't help feeling she was sounding like a stuck record. This was at least the third time in as many weeks she'd tried to explain all this to her. The truth was, that maybe Jackie was right; maybe Tala Tyler was a damned stupid name. But what other choice was there? When Mrs Hewson had read that name out one day, something had sounded right. Even before Rose knew what it meant, she wanted that name, knew that no other name would ever do for her daughter. Something inside her had said that it was right. And as for Tyler… well, there was no other option on that front.

"So are we agreed then?" Rose asked gently. "That you're not going to listen to what Josh says anymore?"

Tala shrugged.

"Has he said anything else?" She really would have to give Luke Reed a piece of her mind one day soon.

Tala nodded, her bottom lip quivering dangerously. Rose hated it when she started doing that. It ripped her apart to see her daughter upset.

"What did he say, Tala?"

"He said… he said I looked funny."

That again. Rose was getting very tired with Josh's repetitive ways of torturing Tala. He _was_ only five, but surely even five-year-olds had _some_ imagination.

"And you know what I've told you to say," Rose played with Tala's hair as she spoke. "You've got your daddy's eyes, Tala, and my hair, you poor thing," she teased her. "What's odd about that? Why didn't you just say that?"

"I did. He said…" Tala suddenly stopped. Rose's eyes flickered over her face quickly, looking for any sign. Especially in the eyes, he'd always given himself away by the eyes.

"What did he say?" Rose asked, her voice low, almost sensing what Tala was going to say before she spoke. But surely no child was that cruel, surely…

"He said I hadn't got a daddy."

A fierce bolt of anger shot through Rose. It came from a place she'd almost forgotten about, buried a long way back, before Tala, before the Doctor. It was like unearthing something prehistoric, buried under layers of hurt and anger and betrayal. She had a sudden fleeting vision of Luke Reed saying the exact same thing all those years back. _Rose Tyler hasn't got a daddy!_ She could feel the burning tears she'd felt back then, and the way she'd tried to hide them by pulling her jumper over her head in the pretence of taking it off. She'd never told her mum; she always knew it would upset her too much. Even in the first few years of her life, Rose had known that talking of her dad would make her mum sad. Things like Christmas and birthdays had made Jackie quieter, less able to cope with the world. As time had gone on, she'd become more accustomed to everything without her husband, but even now, Rose knew, it would upset her to spend prolonged periods talking about Pete.

In Tala's face, Rose had seen those exact emotions she'd once felt deep inside. That she was upset and felt humiliated in front of her friends, but that she was too scared to tell her mum for fear of upsetting her too. What was she doing to her daughter? Rose remembered the way she used to rock Tala to sleep at night, telling her stories of her father and sometimes being unable to blink back the tears, and letting them fall onto the baby. Black drops staining her clothes. _I wanted so much better for you, sweetheart, I wanted everything to be different this time around. I didn't have a daddy either. And I so wanted you to have one. But you haven't. And I'm so sorry. So so sorry._ Had Tala somehow known what she was saying, realised that her mummy was upset?

"Oh Tala," Rose said sadly, hugging her daughter closer to her. "Sweetheart, you have got a daddy, of course you have."

"But not like other people. Not like Lucy. Or Josh."

No, not like Lucy, Tala's current hero. Lucy's daddy worked in a bank in the City and earned six-figure bonuses. He'd taken Lucy and her two brothers to the Bahamas last summer, and Lucy had seen dolphins. This year they were going to DisneyLand. Lucy's daddy turned up to every parents event that was held. Rose couldn't help hating Lucy's mummy. And as for Josh… no, Tala certainly _didn't_ have a daddy like Luke Reed.

"No, you haven't," Rose said slowly, wondering how she was going to get through all this without crying herself. She bit her tongue firmly, telling herself that she'd _have_ to; this wasn't about her anymore, this was about Tala. "You've got a better daddy. Your daddy is an amazing man, Tala. He… Tala, you wouldn't believe the things he's seen, the things he's done. Your daddy has saved the world so many times."

Tala's thumb moved into her mouth instinctively, and Rose was so taken up with her tale that she didn't even knock it away as she usually did. She did hope that Jackie wouldn't come in, though, otherwise she'd get a fifteen minute lecture on how thumb-sucking would lead to orthadonture.

"Your daddy doesn't do things like Lucy or Josh's daddies do because he's got more important things to do. He's busy saving worlds, or seeing stars or looking after people."

"Like a doctor?" Tala asked, her voice slightly indistinct because of her thumb.

Rose smiled at her. "Yes. Just like a doctor."

"Doctors are good." Tala nodded her approval. She'd been to see her doctor, Dr. Stickings, only last week, and had been rewarded for being a good girl with a lollipop. Rose suspected that her daughter judged goodness on the scale of how many sweets a person gave out rather than their intrinsic qualities, but sometimes children judged things right.

"Yes. And so's your daddy. And you've got eyes just like him, Tala Tyler. So how special must you be?"

Tala didn't reply but snuggled happily into her mum's hug.

* * *

"_**Daddy was an alcoholic."**_

After Rose stepped out of the TARDIS, the door shutting for a final time, silence had reigned supreme for a few moments. It was unusual for both the Doctor and Holly to find themselves uneasy in each other's company, but suddenly something seemed wrong. Neither could say what it was exactly, but deep down they could feel it.

Finally, the Doctor felt he had to say something. The silence couldn't go on indefinitely.

"Right," he said, forcing his voice to sound normal and upbeat. "So where are we off to now?"

Holly's eyes flickered over to him. "You don't have to pretend, you know."

He smiled, looking round as if he hadn't understood her meaning. "Who's pretending?" He stepped forwards to the TARDIS and pressed a few buttons. "Now. Where do you want to go? No, don't tell me! Let me guess! You want me to get us to the Royal wedding in time for tea, don't you?" He punched a few figures into control panel. "Well, your wish I suppose…"

"No wait." Holly shook her head. "I don't want to go there anymore."

"Oh good." He grinned. "So where then? Past? Future? This planet, another planet, another galaxy? You want to go back in time, I know you do!" She always did; Holly had never requested to go to the future. "You want to go back to…"

"I want you to take me back."

He paused, momentarily confused, the grin stuck to his face. "What? Take you back where?"

Holly looked down at the floor for a second, gathering her courage to continue. She looked up again. "I want you to take me back to the day you met me. And leave me there."

The Doctor's grin fell by degrees. Holly could feel ever nerve in her body wanting to take it back, to make him feel better. But not this time. This time she had to mean it.

"No. Holly, no. No, I won't let you go, no, no, no, no, _NO_!" He launched himself across the control room, catching her hands. "Holly, you can't just go! Go back to what? Studying at Oxford, slaving away all day, getting some stupid meaningless piece of paper saying you're intelligent when I know you already are! Get a job, a husband, a mortgage, a house, kids, a dog and a Volvo estate in the Home counties somewhere! Holly, just think for a moment about that!"

Holly's face remained fixed while he spoke, her eyes glazing over. When he paused for breath she took her chance. "What am I studying at Oxford, Doctor?"

He was utterly thrown. He was sure she'd mentioned this before, sure he had heard her say _something_. A course in… oh what in the name of Galifrey was it?

Holly nodded after waiting a long time. "Yeah. Exactly." She pulled away from the Doctor and walked towards her room.

* * *

The Doctor landed the TARDIS sadly down in the old place. Usually he let the old girl manage herself, she did so much better on her own. But sometimes, when he was confused, or upset or just needed something to take his mind off a problem, he enjoyed steering his ship into harbour, so to speak. He actually couldn't remember the last time he'd done it. But with Holly still packing, or at least, sitting in her room avoiding him, he didn't have anything else to do. He needed to stop that voice in his head, which kept asking the questions he didn't want to or couldn't answer. _So what now? What now you've lost them both? What are you going to do _Time Lord_ now that you're all alone?_

They'd landed. The Doctor moved to go and get Holly, but he already hear her footsteps as he turned round and when he looked, she was there, with her two bags and fully dressed for mid-December in England.

"So. You're all ready then?" he said redundantly. "All set. Ready for the off."

"Looks like it," Holly agreed.

There was a long pause.

"Don't go."

"I have to."

"No you don't!" The Doctor knew he sounded desperate, but he felt it. "Holly, what reason have you got for leaving?"

"I just think it's time," Holly said patiently. She sounded like she was talking to a small child, placating their whining. "Time to go home." She smiled. "Well, aren't you going to at least say goodbye?"

"Oh, Holls." The Doctor sighed wearily and hugged her tightly. "I'm never going to get used to saying goodbye to my friends you know? I wish you'd all stop doing this."

"I know," Holly agreed, hugging him back. "But there'll be others, won't there? There always are." There was a sad sense of truth in her words.

Holding her at arms length, the Doctor looked at her one last time.

"What are you doing, learning me by heart?" she teased, quoting a film they'd once watched together which he hadn't been able to resist crying at.

"No. I know you by heart," he said back, smiling sadly.

"I'm not that sure you do," Holly replied equally as sadly. She smiled. "Goodbye Doctor."

He hated saying goodbye to someone else so soon after Rose. "Goodbye Holly."

She picked up her bags and walked towards the door and out into the winter afternoon sunshine. The door shut behind her and the Doctor was alone. Again.

* * *

He'd found the envelope tucked into his bed. Creamy parchment paper. That familiar swirly handwriting. She'd left him a letter.

_Dear Doctor,_

_I'm sorry for doing this to you. I'm sure right now you're pretty angry with me for abandoning you just when you need a friend the most. The last few days have been hard on us both. Seeing Rose again was a shock to you, and finding Tala was another one, but it wasn't exactly fun for me either. I hate to be writing this kind of letter; I don't want to seem petty, writing down the things that I never made the effort to say before. But I just wanted you to know why I'm doing this now._

_First of all, a bit about me, Holly Johnson. You know I started at Oxford University in October 2007. I'm studying Ancient and Modern History. One day I want to make a discovery to rock the foundations of historical knowledge as we know it. Well, I guess you've helped me achieve that in some ways. _

_I come from a small town in Kent called Midlocester. Not many people live there, and those that do know everybody. I mean, everybody. You can't move there without it sending ripples of twitching net curtains across all the streets. Ever since I can remember I wanted to get out of that place. It was all too claustrophobic, too stifling for me. I like fading into the background, as you know. I like being the ideas person, behind the scenes. But being Holly Johnson in Midlocester meant being part of the greatest show on earth._

_My dad was an alcoholic. He started drinking before I was even born, when my mum had post-natal depression after my brother Charlie was born. Alcoholics are supposed to be violent and unruly, but my father wasn't. He was always kind and considerate. For many years, I didn't even realize what the smell that clung around Daddy was, until a boy at school began saying what his mother had told his next-door neighbour. That Richard Johnson was a drunken fool who had spent all the family allowance and that was why Holly Johnson had to wear second-hand school uniform. _

_Maybe my father would just have been a run of the mill addict, who was the subject of much town gossip but relatively harmless to all but his nearest and dearest. That is, if he hadn't have run that little boy over, barely eight years old and with his whole life ahead of him. At fifteen, I was Holly Johnson, daughter of a drink-driver convicted for manslaughter and sentenced to five years. From feeling my ears burning every day of my life, and being forced to ignore the whispers behind my back, I now had to learn to ignore the threats and the in-my-face insults. I had to get away from there._

_Oxford was my escape. There I envisaged endless parties, finding new friends who would listen to me and take me for who I was, not who my father was, or what he had done. I even dared to hope I could leave the past behind. But, as I am sure you are well aware now, Doctor, the past will never leave you alone. Within a month of starting at Oxford, my secret was out and I was the stared at girl again. Night after night, I found myself sitting in my room alone, whilst my flat-mates were out living the life I wanted. Oxford wasn't far enough away from my problems._

_But you… you were the ultimate ticket away from my life. How can the past catch up with you when it hasn't happened yet? You gave me the power to go back before my father had killed that boy, before he'd started drinking, before he was born. That's why I always wanted to go back, Doctor. To run away._

_You once said that a wise woman once told you that life isn't always about running from things. I think I know who that wise woman is now. And she's right. These last few days have shown me how, no matter how far you run, or where to, you can never escape your past. I ran away to find a new home, and what have I found? I've found another home, but not mine. This ship, this beautiful unique ship, and the man I've learnt to love with all my heart and soul… this isn't my home. Because he doesn't love me back and never can. This is someone else's home, another girl's, another child's. I need to go back and find my own home._

_Thank you for choosing for me, for taking me places I will never forget and could never have imagined in my wildest dreams. Please don't think I hate you; I couldn't. Not ever. Being with you has been the best experience of my life; for at least a few short months I have been me, the real me. _

_And as for what I'll do next, who knows? You asked if I wanted to finish studying at Oxford, slaving away all day, to get some stupid meaningless piece of paper saying I'm intelligent. You wanted to know if what I wanted from life was to get a job_, _a husband, a mortgage, a house, kids, a dog and a Volvo estate in the Home Counties somewhere. And you know what? That's exactly what I want._

_And what about you? What should you do? I know when you're reading this you'll be lying on your bed, wondering just that. What does the Last Time Lord do when he's left all alone again? Well, I think you know the answer. Or at least, I hope you do. When the Last Time Lord is left all alone again, he should do the only thing he can do; he should go to his family. You'll know what to do when you get there._

_Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye and good luck. I'll miss you._

_Holly xxx_

He lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He exhaled slowly.

"Bye Holly," he said into the room. "I'll do it. Thank you."

* * *

**Lyrics from "Alcoholic" by Starsailor**


	10. Home

**FINAL CHAPTER! Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews I've had for this story. I've had an absolute ball writing it, and loved that other people have enjoyed it. I'm undecided what to do next, there's some ideas on my profile page, though I really should finish some of the stories that are incomplete! Thanks again!

* * *

"__****I'm just too far from where you are, I wanna come home."**

Waiting outside Tala's school in the spring sunshine, Rose knew she ought to say something now to Luke Reed. It had been a fortnight since she'd spoken to Tala about her father, and even though her daughter hadn't said anything more, she knew that Josh hadn't stopped his bullying. He was a Reed, of course he hadn't. Prolonged torture was practically their family motto.

She approached Luke now. He was on his mobile phone, swearing at frequent intervals as he described the football match he'd been to last night. She waited a few paces away. Finally, he finished his call and then looked at her, as if he'd only just noticed she was there.

"Rose. How are you?" he asked.

"Fine thanks." Rose nodded. "Luke, I need to talk to you about something Josh has been saying to Tala. He's not being very nice to her at the moment." She was aware she sounded like the kind of interfering parent that she hated, but she was not going to stand by and watch her daughter get bullied for something that was entirely out of her hands.

"Really? Well, you know, boys will be boys." Luke shrugged.

"No, it's not just kids being kids," Rose insisted. "He's being really spiteful to Tala, and I want it to stop."

Luke frowned. "Look, my Luke is a good kid, he wouldn't go round saying things to people to upset them."

"He's been taunting her about her name and how she looks," Rose said, stating the facts very clearly.

Luke's face fell a little. "Oh. Well… well, come on, Rose, you have given the girl a bit of a rough time with her name, haven't you? I mean, _Tala Tyler_…"

"I like her name," Rose defended her choice once again. She wished Britney Spears or someone would name their next child Tala; at least then she'd have to stop explaining. "And anyway, what business is it of yours, or Josh's, what I call my daughter?"

"Nothing! Only don't blame my son when he points out the obvious," Luke said, not being able to resist smirking.

Rose swallowed her anger and brought up her next point. "And I'd like you to talk to your son about the fact that he's been teasing my daughter about not having a father, when I assure you that she does have a father in the way that most, in fact, _all_ of us have a father somewhere."

Luke's eyebrows rose. "Oh. Has he been saying that?"

"Yes."

"Well, to be fair, Rose… it's true, isn't it?"

"What is?"

"Tala doesn't have a father. Not a _real_ one. Not like me, I mean. He's never picked her up from school or anything. In fact, no one's ever seen him, have they? Has Tala ever even seen him?"

"He works away," Rose replied firmly. Yeah, he certainly _did_ work away.

"All the time?" Luke's old bullying streak wasn't hidden that far down after all. "Rose, you can't blame Josh for pointing out what everybody already knows. Tala's father abandoned her and abandoned you."

"No he didn't!" Rose suddenly found herself shouting at him. He'd tapped into that little girl in her again, exposing all her fears.

"Then where is he?" Luke demanded, looking around. "Because I don't see him. You're a single parent, Rose, and the sooner you get used to that, the better." He smirked unattractively. "You were always such a snobby bitch at school, always thought you were better than everybody else. Well, guess what? You're not! You're just the same as every other slapper off that estate!"

The words cut like a knife. Rose's firm stance weakened. This was just like school over again. She wished she was anywhere but here, with anyone but Luke, in any time but this one…

And then she heard it. That old familiar noise that had faded from even her dreams in the last few years. It sounded wrong at first, like she'd imagined it. Then her mind cleared and she realised she was awake and it was very much real. He was back.

* * *

The Doctor looked at the guy standing over Rose. He sized him up. In all fairness, he'd probably win in a fist-fight; this regeneration didn't lend itself to punch-ups. But that wasn't the be all and end all of fights.

The look on Rose's face when she'd seen him would stay with him forever. He'd seen shock, disbelief, a brief trace of irritation and anger, but most of all, he'd seen forgiveness and gratitude. He'd come when she'd needed him, to rescue her from her nightmares. Like he'd always done before. Like he always would.

"I'm not sure who you are," he addressed Luke Reed, "and I'm not really sure I want to know."

Luke glared at him. "This is a private conversation. What do you think you're doing?"

"Oh, I don't _think_," The Doctor said firmly. "I _know_. And right now, I know that your flies are undone."

Luke looked down anxiously to find his jeans very much done up. The Doctor winked at Rose.

"Made you look," he said, unable to resist a grin, which Rose mirrored.

Luke glared at him again. "Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor," he informed him. "And I'm here to pick my daughter up."

* * *

At that moment the school door opened and the children poured out. Rose felt the same anxiety she usually felt, that Tala would have had a good day, that she wouldn't be hurt… a thousand and one fears that only a mother could have. There she was now, dragging her bag across the ground as usual, her blonde hair falling out of the pony tail Rose had so diligently put it into that morning. She looked a mess.

* * *

To the Doctor, nothing and no one had ever looked more beautiful. His daughter, walking across the playground in the sunshine. Luke was watching, obviously hoping that the Doctor would be shown up to be a fraud. The Doctor hoped he was wrong.

* * *

Tala hesitated as she neared the group. Her eyes flickered from the man in the pinstripe suit who somehow looked familiar, to her mum. Uncertain, she wobbled slightly.

The man in the pinstripe suit crouched down suddenly. His brown eyes met hers and a friendly grin spread across his face.

"Hi Tala. Remember me?"

And she did.

* * *

Walking away from the school, with Tala running ahead slightly, Rose asked the question that had been on her lips since he'd walked back into her life ten minutes ago.

"What took you so long?"

He smiled. "Well, you know what I'm like. Five days… five years… easy mistake to make?" he suggested hopefully. He shook his head. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Rose shook her head. "You're here now." She hesitated. "How long for this time?"

He shrugged. "Who knows?" As Rose's shoulders slumped he reached out and took her hand. "No promises this time, Rose. Just trust. I don't want to leave you again. I don't ever want to be alone again. But I can't promise you anything. Can you live with that?"

Rose considered for a moment before nodding. "It's a deal. No promises."

The Doctor grinned, and let go of her hand to pick up Tala. His daughter. As he held her in his arms, and gave her a hug only an absence of a lifetime could create, the Doctor thanked Holly. He was five years late for this, but she had been so right. Wherever she was, whatever she was doing, whoever she was with, he thanked her with both his hearts, and hoped she'd found the home she was looking for. Because, after a millennium of looking and travelling the universe, of looking backwards and forwards, of breaking hearts and having his broken too, the Doctor had come home.

* * *

**Lyrics from "Home" by Michael Buble.**


End file.
